Tuesday, July 7, 2009


WHAT THE MONSTER TAUGHT ME: Ted Bundy wasn’t the only handsome killer dick.


The Clown Prince of Porking, Charles Effing Napier, The Hedgehog Not Effing, XXXombie, a short bang bus, more dorky sex jokes than an elementary school cafeteria, the greatest war story ever that doesn’t involve clowns, butter, or Bob Hope, more porno and Buffy has-beens than my hometown Dairy Queen, John Leslie’s The Thung, and a murderous wiener that's not served from a Hollywood Blvd. roach coach.

More details here.


A troupe of filmmakers and actors retreats to the mountains to film their latest sleazy epic which stars porno vets Ron (Ron Jeremy) and Veronica (Veronica Hart). The team is made up of tough guy Jonah (Jason Graham), starstruck Laura (Amber Benson), nerdy techie T.J. (Caleb Mayo), porn ingénue Lance (Bart Fletcher), asshole director Rock (John Edward Lee) and stereotypical porn chickies Wanda (Jenny Guy) and Angel (Carmen Hart). God, I can’t believe I just typed the entire cast since it won’t matter what I say or how I sum up the story because watching this wretched thing was like watching a porn without the dirty parts – you know, the parts you fast-forward through so you could get to the …um. But I digress. Just before a pivotal scene Ron has problems performing, so he goes out for a walk only to be killed by an alien lifeform which detaches his penis and takes its form with the intent to kill by nasty. Any excuse to get out of work. Veronica almost succumbs to the onslaught but barely survives. The rest of the crew isn’t so lucky as the possessed pee-pee offs each cast member in horrible ways that are best left for an entertaining evening in Tijuana. Their only salvation appears to be Mohtz (Charles Napier), a crazy mountain man who’s had prior experience dealing with veiny threats back in the ‘Nam, when fighting reanimated detached body parts meant something. But even he comes up short. Anyway, in the end Laura, Jonah, and a semi-conscious Veronica remain to face the final confrontation with the murderous member, and even your most perverted imagination won’t be able to match how things end, um … up.


The movie is titled One Eyed Monster. It stars porno-star Ron Jeremy, a legend in dirty movies. He’s in it for about 10 minutes. It also stars Veronica Hart, another famous dirty movie star. She’s in and out of it (so to speak) for a total of maybe 20 minutes. And it’s about a penis that kills people. It appears have been filmed with a camera with lights and microphones, performed with some actors and a girl from Buffy who spoke words in between scenes of the title character performing acts of depravity unseen since my prom night. The movie is titled One Eyed Monster. Beyond that, there’s not much to say. There are no sex scenes, but there are brief shots of a woman’s bosom. The humor is comprised of sleazy low-brow sex jokes that land with a thud. On the plus side, it does have a fantastic monologue by the great Charles Napier who’s also in it briefly as well. And it has a pretty funny closing line. Come to your own conclusions based on this information. Did I mention the movie is called ONE-EYED MONSTER?


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Good Lord, this barely counts as amovie much less a monster movie! Haha- Tremedo watches porn!