Sunday, December 13, 2009


Everybody knows a turkey with a TOW missile,
Helps to make the season’s fright.
Tiny victims with eyes all aglow,
Will find it hard to stay alive tonight.


For Appetizer: Boobies; for Drinks: Fatty, Jock, Nerd; for first course: Shotgun Hillbilly and his Mutt; for second course: Slutty McWhore and Plain Jane; for third course: Ludicrous Legend of a Bedeviled Fowl; for main course: Said Deviled Fowl; and for dessert: One Big Dumb and Awful Fun Holiday Horror Flick.

More details here.


Just in case you missed this in 3rd grade history, we discover that the Native Americans of the early 17th century placed a curse on the pilgrims by creating a demonic, bloodthirsty, and sarcastic turkey that lives to kill those funny-buckle-hat-wearing corn-not-maize smallpox-blanket-giving SOBs. Turns out our murder turkey likes to chase bountifully bosomed Goodwyfes through the forest to munch up their religiously oppressed innards. But the pious and surprisingly well-armed colonists are able to stop the onslaught of this satanic dirty bird and take it down Puritan-style so they can enjoy a relatively devil-free Thanksgiving dinner. So after centuries slumbering in some guy's backyard, the foul fowl rises again to fulfill its destiny as the second most dangerous Thanksgiving dish, right after your Auntie's carrot-lime Jello. So who's invited for dinner? Enter your typical horror movie cast of horny college kids who are – SURPRISE! - pretty much all assholes. You got your virginal Final Girl in waiting; your fake bulge Jock Cock; your Brainless Sultry Slut; your Fatty Loudmouth Lout; and drum roll ... NEEERRRRDDD. This mismatched group of “friends” (they are all horrible to each other) are sharing a ride home for the Thanksgiving holiday, but who would have known it would be their last! Our infernal bird that's who. And he's got a name – Tom Turkey. Who would've thunk? So the Thanksgiving theme kind of takes a departure when the kids' Jeep breaks down and they are forced to pitch a tent in the woods instead of, like, call for help. But it does set up the opportunity for them to get offed by Tom one by one. Their only hope seems to be virginal girl's Dopey Sheriff Dad who apparently prefers poop to sugar in his coffee. Yup. So you better watch out, you better not cry, you better not pout I'm telling you why, Tom Turkey is on the loose and he's going to baste you in your own juice!



Yeah, I know Thanksgiving was like two weeks ago, but I just couldn’t pass up the chance to watch a horror movie set during Turkey Day that isn’t Eli Roth’s Thanksgiving trailer or the obscure 80s slasher Home Sweet Home. Nor could I resist the opportunity to do my best Gene Shalit impression and proclaim this movie the biggest turkey ever. Har har. Besides the aforementioned titles, Thanksgiving-themed horror movies are scarcer then an unclogged crapper on Turkey Night and no matter how good or bad this movie is, it is destined to becomea must-see among horror fiends during the holiday season. And for good reason. The movie is fairly hilarious in spots with some genuinely funny lines sprinkled here and there and a ludicrously designed turkey puppet that ushered many hysterical tears during viewing. Although his voice-work was a little off-kilter, Tom Turkey is like a murderous Triumph the Insult Dog, only a bit more delicious. The movie is stuffed with simple schlock and butt-dumb jokes, but if you're into quick, stupid comedy with aching Z-grade performances, coprophagous jokes, fully-clothed sex scenes, and a soul-sucking void of redeeming value, Thankskilling is your main dish at the bad movie table.

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