Friday, April 10, 2009


SUPER POWER GAINED FROM WATCHING THIS MOVIE: The Ability To Scream, Vomit, And Cry At The Same Time

THE CARD: Tool Allen, Friendless Nerd Monica, Inviso-Douche, Rip Torn to Shreds, Johnny 2.5, senile Clark Griswold, a Visine-impaired Troy-Bolton-Bot, Tubby McBlubber the Fatty Fat, Princess Power Punch, a Mopey Psychic Psychotic, a magical Squiggy cameo, the soul-searing suckiness of Smashmouth, and a Sky High School Musickal.

More details here.


Captain Zoom (Tim Allen) is a super-powered speedster who was once a member of the secret teenage hero group Zenith Team. His teammate and brother Concussion (Kevin Zegers), was tainted by a government treatment called Gamma 13 that was meant to enhance his powers but instead turned him into a homicidal maniac. After wiping out most of his Zenith teammates, Concussion was imprisoned in another dimension while the surviving Zoom was consigned to a normal life in anonymity with his powers depleted. Twenty years later, Concussion is breaking through the dimensional barrier back to Earth for revenge against government handler General Larraby (Rip Torn), super scientist Dr. Grant (Chevy Chase), and his brother Zoom. Sounds good so far, right? Well, things get shitty faster than Zoom’s B.M. The Zenith Program is reactivated and led by Larraby, Grant, and geeky Zoom-obsessed Dr. Holloway (Courtney Cox). Their mission is to recruit a new generation of teen heroes to protect the planet from Concussion like some kind of global biker helmet and bring back Zoom to help train them. But their job will be made tougher by the fact that Zoom is a burnt out and bitter jerk, still ticked off at the government for corrupting his brother, destroying his life as a hero, and canceling his sitcom. Regardless, Zenith scours suburbs and malls everywhere, holds a superhero audition, and after eliminating the minorities (no, I’m not kidding), assembles the whitest super-powered kids you’ll know: invisible guy Houdini (Michael Cassidy), psychic girl Wonder (Kate Mara), stretchy Mega-Boy (Spencer Breslin), and super-strong cutie Princess (Ryan Newman). Eventually, Zoom bothers to show up and tells the kids basically to give it up and never trust anyone. But with the help of the Roswell flying saucer, a clunky soda-pop chugging robot, finely crafted fart and booger jokes, Chevy Chase abuse, and about a billion training montages to the tune of the shittiest pop music outside Disney Radio, the teammates eventually come together to learn a little something about love, leadership, family, and kicking the crap out of Zac Efron clones.


Along with Sky High, Zoom was one of two teenage superhero comedies to be released within a relatively close period of time of each other in 2006. To my recollection, Sky High did a tad bit better at the box office and will probably be best remembered as the slightly better of the two but still not very good. And this mild praise comes with good reason because Zoom is a miserable piece of shit which looks, feels, and hurts like it was shot in 2-3 days and directed with the stylistic panache of a dead mule with arthritis that isn’t very bright. I can’t tell how many brain cells were ritually murdered by the 90 minutes of pure cranial melting stupidity this movie inflicted but it’s probably somewhere in the neighborhood of how much whore money Allen earned from this son of a bitch. Allen can’t be bothered to learn his lines and shows up wearily and seemingly forced in each scene with little to nothing to offer but a few Tool Time, Toy Story, and other 15-year-old references belched out his goateed smirk. The rest of the cast looks uneasy and embarrassed and just wants to get the hell out of this thing as soon as possible. Torn shows up, yells, and then leaves. Chase does some physical comedy bits, it’s no fun to know that he’s not doing the stunts, getting hurt, and popping pills again. Cox is adorable as the nerdy Holloway, but even her appeal can’t escape the gravity of formulaic suck. The rest of the kid actors are, well, kid actors with no real special distinguishing charms to overcome the dopey dialogue and utter lack of motivation. The only possible exception is rising child star Newman, whose mega-strong cutie pie made for a few cute bits about little girls and their head-shakingly precious princess fixations. The movie is entirely predictable, standard, and so damned silly that it’s hard to believe that even the most droop-foreheaded, knuckle-dragging, tard Twittering mallrat would find this a distraction from their MySpaces, video games, green apple gum, and sticker calendars. But Zoom is fresh, hip, and happening if you happen to live in a place where fresh, hip, and happening is having Tim Allen squeeze into a banana-hugging body suit and tell man jokes, parenting stories, and Richard Karn anecdotes.

And that place (drumroll) would be Hell. Ruuf, roof...

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