Wednesday, April 22, 2009


SUPERPOWER GAINED FROM WATCHING MOVIE: The Ability To Scream “Cowabunga, Dude!” And Not Get Punched In The Face


Picard the Mr. Incredible Clone, Buffy the Turtle Wrangler, Morpheus the Voice Over, Zowie Ziyi the Yum Yum, Akiro the Ratty Sensei, Human Torch was denied a bank loan and had to do this movie, a perfect recipe for Turtle Thanksgiving (4 turtles), and a Rapidly-Middle-Aging-Sick-And-Tired- Of-This-CGI-Cartoon-Crap-Masked-Mutant Movie Blogger.

More details here.


America’s favorite awesome quartet and lunchbox theme the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (TMNT) have broken up after defeating their arch nemesis Shredder. Spiritual leader Splinter (Mako) meditates, contemplates the universe in silence, and watches soap operas. Brainy Donatello works phone tech support and wards off phone sex pedophiles. Moody Raphael dons an armored suit and dispenses his own dark brand of justice on the streets of New York as the vigilante Nightwatcher. Surfer dude Michelangelo does kids’ parties, eats pizza, and I’m pretty sure drops ‘shrooms. And troubled leader Leonardo haunts the jungles of South America protecting a village from marauders while trying to find himself. Friends April (Sarah Michelle Gellar) and Casey (Chris Evans) helplessly look on, but a new threat to the world will bring them together and force them to settle their differences and find purpose once again. Winters (Patrick Stewart) is a powerful businessman with a mysterious past. He is thousands of years old having gained immense power from a portal opened to another dimension. This breach between realities gave him immortality but cost him his powerful generals who were turned to stone. The opened portal also allowed thirteen monsters to enter our world and they have been creating havoc ever since. With the unwitting help of April and wily ninja Karai (Ziyi Zhang), Winters has resurrected his minions to hunt down the monsters for some secret purpose. But now the generals have turned on him and have their own plan that contradicts their master’s. So our four wisecracking karate turtles have to set aside their differences and unite once more to save the world and allow me to jack up the price of my TMNT tube socks and banana huggers on eBay.


I never got into the whole TMNT craze when back in its heyday these four lovable Renaissance terrapins ruled comics, Saturday morning TV, and toys. I just didn’t get the appeal or the concept, and I’m a dork who collects Porky Pig and lucha libre toys. But I guess the notion of butt-kicking wise-ass reptiles speaks to someone, hell - millions of someones - and the thing blew through the roof. This newest computer animated version reintroduces the TMNT team at a more mature level with a fairly fresh degree of angst. Donatello and Michelangelo have let themselves drift into a humdrum workaday mindless routine. Rafael is struggling to deal with his anger at being ignored, underestimated and misunderstood. Leonardo is a distressed soul who is seeking redemption and forges a new spiritual path for himself. Jesus Christ, they are fucking turtles. But they kick ass most of the time and manage to whittle away ninety minutes entertainingly. Lacking the visual pizazz of a Pixar flick, the animation is nonetheless fairly polished and at times stunning. The fight scene between Leonardo and Rafael in the rain is spectacularly rendered and textured and without a doubt the best sequence in the film. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is action-packed, mayhem-fueled, and fanboy-satisfied for that mutated turtle lover in you.

1 comment:

El Tremendo said...

Looks like I was a day late. TMNT turns 25 tomorrow (4/23).