SUPERPOWER GAINED FROM WATCHING MOVIE: The Ability to Assess Talent and Coherence Through Bra-Cup Size.
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Chastity Knott (Kitten Natividad) is the owner of a popular bar in Driftwood Valley, a land populated by top heavy Mamas and butt-dumb boob-struck doofii (plural of doofus?). Her nearest competition is a strip club called “Adult Entertainment” run by a fanatical doughy villain named Al Purplewood (G. Larry Butler) whose purpose in life is to destroy Chastity with the help of his racked-like-a-bookstore minions Hydra (Haji), Pirate Juggs (Mimma Mariucci), and Ooga Boobies (Sheri Dawn Thomas) who can say nothing more than “ooga boobies”, putting her at the very top of the intellectual hierarchy in this group. Local yokel Bubba (Gary Canavello) is in love with the massively endowed Chastity but her busy schedule running the pub and getting her bras ironed leaves little time for dating. But Chastity receives some bad news from equally chesty Dr. De La Croix (Raven De La Croix) – she has breast cancer. And you know that with enough funny sound effects, cancer is hilarious. The Doc recommends a radical treatment for Chastity – a rare fruit called “Crockazilla” that’s only found in the deepest regions of South America (or Calabasas). Led by a drunk Mexican stereotype, Chastity finds the fruit with the help of a Black female stereotype in a leopard outfit. The pair then gnaw on the fruit suggestively until the drunk Mexican passes out. Cue funny sounds, change pants. So the Crock sucking cures Chastity’s cancer but it leaves unfortunate side effects – superhuman strength and speed. Pharmaceutical bastards always leave those in the fine print! Chastity returns to her bar and goes on a date with tubby Bubba. It’s here that the producers balance out the heaving cleavage and bouncy breasts with shots of this guy’s gut and fishbelly ass. Meanwhile, Purplewood arms his chesty henchladies with Supersoakers that look like penis pumps (or so I’m told) to attack Chastity. But they end up spraying Bubba’s face with “concrete” that looks suspiciously like shaving cream and kill him. Ok, so if you’re wondering by now – no, this is not a porno. Most pornos possess even a rudimental display of competence. So Chastity becomes the Double D Avenger and goes after Purplewood and his mightily breasted cohorts for vengeance, smirky double-entendres, and tons goofy boob jokes that made me almost question my sexuality. Um, almost.
Filmmaker Russ Meyer (Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!, Vixens, Supervixens) was best known for his low budget films of the 60s and 70s that featured beautiful, well-endowed women, eager and obsessed men, and scorching action-packed sexploitation narratives. These movies were titillating, controversial, thrilling, and either loved or hated. But Meyer was more than just a maker of base exploitation. He was master craftsman, a sharp cinematographer and editor, and a true maverick in American Cinema who bordered on absurdist surreal satirist. He could take a simple, cheap story and rev it up to blood-boiling excitement with his fiercely independent female protagonists, tawdry situations, and smelly strip club sexiness. I love this man. And he will not be forgotten. Unfortunately, today’s movie Double D Avenger, which features former Meyer starlets and bedmates, probably will. It’s a cheap shot-on-video “movie” posing as a flimsy excuse to parade poor ol’ Kitten Natividad and Haji with absolutely nothing to do but make corny jokes and flash their aging cleavage. Obviously, the filmmakers worship Meyer and his lovely ladies and they took their respect with admirable intent to make this movie. That I can appreciate. What I can’t appreciate is a 70-minute running time, lousy – and I mean LOUSY- jokes, stupid sound effects, and virtually no nudity. I can recommend Double D Avenger to those who enjoyed Meyer for his surface qualities – the boobs (but clothed boobs) – but cannot for those whose brains melt after 15 minutes of breast-inspired puns.