Tuesday, April 14, 2009


SUPER POWER GAINED FROM WATCHING THIS MOVIE: The Inability To Refuse A Big Paycheck For An Awful Movie Following An Oscar Win


Writhey CGI Berries; GTA: Cat City, Your One-Stop Shop for Superpowers: The Dump; Ben Bratt the Big Tamale, kitty-cat kung-fu, Six Feet Blunder, tubby Lois Griffith, the world's worst Ferris wheel, stunts by the Cirque de So-lazy, a Jaguar butt-bump, and far too many pussy jokes to mention here. Ahem.

More details here.


Patience (Halle Berry) is a struggling designer working for a cosmetics corporation that mistreats, exploits, and works her like a dog. But Patience bears her namesake and pushes on, trying to impress her shithead bosses while yucking it up with commiserating pal Sally (Alex Borstein) and being harassed by her rude biker neighbors. Toss in sexy Latino cop Tom Lone (Benjamin Bratt) after her kit 'n kaboodle and Patience's life looks like a full and frequently visited litter box. Laurel Hedare (Sharon Stone) is the evil head of said corporation which is on the brink of creating a groundbreaking new facial treatment that will rejuvenate old skin, but unfortunately it carries an inconvenient side effect: painful death. Well, death if not purchased and used regularly and in great quantities which is guaranteed to keep the company rolling in the dough. One night, Patience accidentally stumbles across the truth about the product and she is summarily dispatched down an industrial waste drain. But a mystical stray cat with a magic necklace saves her from the brink of death and grants her powers found in any common house tabby: night vision, unnatural dexterity, and the ability to slam dunk. Under the tutelage of mysterious cat-lady Ophelia (Frances Conroy), Patience becomes Catwoman, defender of the innocent, righter of wrongs, and licker of greased-up abs. By day she pursues a romantic liaison with Detective Lone and at night she tries to bring down Hedare and her insidious plans. But Hedare frames her for the murder of her husband, the CEO, and Catwoman has to step up her game plan, sabotage Hedare's empire, and eat lots of lasagna.


I really feel that there's nothing more I can add to what's already been said and written about the awfulness of Halle Berry's Catwoman, a silly, embarrassing, and ridiculous reboot of the thieving feline comic book character. But, what the hell, I’ll say it anyway – Catwoman once again adds fuel to the fire regarding the wide speculation that Hollywood hates us. And I’m not just talking about comic book fans. Hollywood, as seen through the eyes of Catwoman director Pintof, despises moviegoers everywhere. It abhors our very being, spits in the face of our common sense, and pulls its shorts to its knees, squats, and curls a stinky brown one out of its fetid stinkhole and plops it right smack dab onto our intellect. Hollywood is a gigantic laughing evil Mardi Gras clown head spewing snakes and fiery lizards out its gaping nostrils while Pintof gleeful pulls at its hair like a mad puppeteer and masturbates ferociously to the tune of our suffering and the ringing of cash registers. With that out of the way, I’ve got to issue a newsflash and state that Berry is one hellacious looking broad. But not even her willowy body, supple breasts, and silken skin can save the utter unpleasantness of this movie which has got to be one of the dumbest, sloppiest, and dunderheaded pieces of tripe I’ve seen in a while. The makers of the film waste a perfect opportunity to bring a rebellious but realistically empowered female comic character to life and instead squander it away with supernatural mumbo jumbo and insipid action. Superficial and one-dimensional, Catwoman looks like something eked out in a marketing meeting where dimwit producers hashed a deal to attract boys with boobs and girls with costumes and make-up (the main plot does concern an evil cosmetics company) and created something of epically bad and unfortunately forgettable proportions. The ending does set up future adventures which will never come as the flick bombed, but if they do, I’ll pass. I prefer my catwomen batshit crazy.

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