Tuesday, January 20, 2009


SCIENTIFIC FACT LEARNED: Computerized mapping of organs and appendages coupled with cloning cell technology will revolutionize transplant medicine and limb replacement. Plus, it'll make a great rack.


The Lame of Death, a Jack Benny-less Don Wilson, Johnny Roast Beef, Master of Confetti Comedy, a superb boobies-to-action ratio, Capt. Not-Ossie Davis, violence-free Los Angeles (it's true -you don't have to pay for it around here), Stella Stevens for Windows, and a virtual no-shirt, you all.

More details here.


In the direct-to-video future, Las Vegas has become its own state with its own Border Patrol and has emerged as a haven for virtual reality fanatics who flock to refurbished casinos featuring the latest in martial arts and sex fantasies. Border cop David Quarry (Don “The Dragon” Wilson) is fond of the former, where he encounters a gauntlet of tubby to sorta gay opponents culminating in the final boss level where he faces Dante (Michael Bernardo), the ultimate shirtless fighter with the voice of Worf. Meanwhile, a scientist who works for the corporation that develops the virtual realities discovers a way to bring the personalities to life including popular cybersex star Liana (Athena Massey) and dominatrix Greta (Dawn Ann Billings). The organ-playing CEO sees an opportunity for massive profit and sets up a meeting with prospective buyers in Los Angeles. So being a powerful megalithic corporation, the company transports the girls in a beat-up 1950s Army jeep without a roof. Quarry and his partner are out drinking and get a call of suspicious activity on the border that doesn't involve lousy burritos. His partner gets killed by company henchmen and Quarry promises his widow to track down the killer. Back at the lab, Dante has gained self-awareness, brought himself to life, and becomes the Siegfried and/or Roy of martial arts. He heads to L.A. to find Liana, his love in the virtual world and to find a way to bring his other buddies to life. Quarry tracks down Liana and the two escape danger, fall in love, and hump. While Quarry is able to bring the CEO and his sex clone ring down, he still has the indestructible Dante to deal with. And it will be a battle of virtual proportions and no walk-throughs, cheat codes, or button mashing will be allowed.


When you can't get Jackie Chan, when Steven Seagal won't return your phone calls, when Jeff Speakman is too busy being perfect, when Michael Dudikoff is out ninja-ing out in America somewhere, when Richard Grieco has smoldered himself into oblivion, you can always call on good ol' Don “The Dragon” Wilson to fill your low budget action movie leading man needs. That's probably what producer/director Andrew Stevens did with his spectacularly atrocious Virtual Combat (aka Grid Runners). Stevens is best known for doing other things, mainly being a former douchey actor who has found a new a career making loads of direct to DVD crap. I guess he missed some of his former pretty boy glory as he vainly inserted a picture of himself as a virtual lover in the Las Vegas scenes. Holy Hell. Wilson is reliable as the unflappable martial arts tough guy, but it's Bernardo that steals the show in this movie. He's a big shirtless greased-up cheeseball who'd probably stretch pro wrestling standards. Other than that, the movie is pretty bad. But maybe Stevens was a visionary. In the film, people walk around, talk into, and interact with giant PDAs that look like drive-in speakers (not that anyone will remember what those looked like) just like they do today. Truly a Nostradamus of the DTV crowd. Virtual Combat is a dumbed-down version of Virtuosity, if such as thing is possible, filled with leg kicks that I could block from my living room, virtual clones that leave a soapy residue, massive heaving breasts, and one pearl of wisdom to ponder:

In the battle between laser guns, helicopters and a six-shooter, the six-shooter always wins.

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