Wednesday, December 17, 2008


Holiday Movie Category: Al Gore's A Christmas Carol


A bed-wetting Mr. Ranger, Horshack the Billionaire, a swishy lumberjack, a potty-trained Douglas Fir, the Nazi Forest Service, a goofy dork of indeterminate race, the encyclopedia of blind jokes, more needly pricks than a Nickelback concert, and film financing by the artificial X-mas tree industry.

More details here.


Going green may be deadly this X-mas. Global warming (I guess) is to blame for the mutation of a forest of trees that transform into flesh-eating creatures of the night. Forest Ranger Cody (Kevin McCauley), survivor of the great white pine attack of the first Trees movie, is now deathly afraid of trees despite being the only forest ranger in the town of Hazelville. We know this because we see flashbacks to the first one which looks like a lame Jaws parody (set on Memorial Day, tree hunter named “Squint”, Cody has Chief Brody glasses). The trees are indeed back and in greater numbers with spidery legs and spooky keyhole eyes. The trees chomp a few lumberjacks, then a fat black lady who takes 45 minutes to descend a staircase, and then a Senator in a distasteful Sonny Bono reference. But the greatest insult takes the form of Ron “Horschack” Palillo who plays developer Dougie Styles who has keyhole eyes for Cody's skinny boring wife. Cody calls upon an old pal, killer X-mas tree theorist Max Cooper (Phil Gardiner) to help convince the town the that threat is real. But no one listens, not even a pair of X-Files-ish agents, not even a tree-killer named “Fag”, and definitely not even Cody's slack-jawed son who reads his lines from cue cards. The trees step up their attacks and on X-mas Eve launch an all-out assault on the town for a bloody showdown down Santa Claus Lane.

The result? The sappiest X-mas movie I've seen yet. Yuk yuk yuk ...


Yet another killer X-mas tree movie? And fast-moving killer X-mas trees no less. Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer stumbling, slow-moving killer X-mas tree movies. More tension and much scarier. And in master director of fast-moving killer X-mas tree movies Michael Pleckaitis' Trees 2: Root of All Evil, the characters make the typical mistakes to survive a fast-moving X-mas tree attack. The first rule broken is that no one believes Cody and his scientist pal about the impending threat of fast-moving killer X-mas trees, despite the trail of pine-scented corpses. As a result, there is no planning which should include the stockpiling of chainsaws, wood chippers, and full-bladdered dogs. Secondly, when the fast-moving killer X-mas trees do attack, no one has the common sense to toss a match (at the treetop, of course). Simple, common fast-moving killer X-mas tree tactics. And lastly, the townspeople should have been more attentive to the signs of a fast-moving killer X-mas tree outbreak such as goopy flannel and shrubbery wearing people bibs. They didn’t do themselves any favors either by chopping the trees down with carelessness and disregard. Don't they know that when there is no more room in the forest, the fast-moving killer X-mas trees will walk the Home Depot? But my main nitpick about the movie, like most of my nitpicks about movies, is that there's not enough fast-moving killer X-mas trees. No-well.

Please look for my forthcoming bestseller, The Fast-Moving Killer X-mas Tree Survival Guide, coming this Arbor Day!

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