Friday, December 5, 2008


Holiday Movie Category: He’s Not Dean Cain, He’s Dean Cain’t


The talented Roberts, Bad Movie Mother #8,768,982, Yukon Cornelius the Action Hero, a Baywatch Booberella, Bad Guy with Worse Foreign Accent #11,542,298, a zombie-less mall, and Yippy-Kai-Yay, Melon Farmer!

More details here.


Cornelius Morgan (Dean Cain) is a decorated Chicago cop who has a habit of using excessive force to bring the bad men down. He makes a career-ending mistake when he accidently clips an influential Asian businessman during a shoot-out. The man sues the city and Cornelius is out of a job at the worst possible time: X-mas. His wife Cat Morgan (Erika Eleniak) works for a huge department store and she urges him to apply for a job managing security, but the big lug’s ego won’t let him. He runs into former cop Jimmy Scalzetti (Eric Roberts) at a concert and the pair exchange grimaces which hint at past bad blood. Scalzetti is in financial straits after getting laid off from the force. He needs to get his kid a kidney transplant but is flush out of cash. So his big money-making scheme is to rob Cat’s mall during the biggest deposit day of them all, X-mas Eve. But then Cornelius the fearsome action hero gets caught in the middle as the caper is in progress. Scalzetti takes Cat hostage and blows up tons of stuff. Then, in the highlight of the film, Cornelius tries to kill him with a forklift! There’s a double-cross and an underground midget go-cart chase at the end that’s amusing, and Cornelius delivers a smackdown so large that’ll take way more than eight tiny reindeer to haul.


This may turn out to be the shortest review in this month’s X-Mas Wrath because I found not much to say about Breakaway (aka Christmas Rush). I don’t even know why it’s called Breakaway! Christmas Rush is a better title for this blah action redo of Die Hard that’s missing the charm, great action sequences, and ironic soundtrack. My best guess is that this thing was made-for-TV. The lack of profanity, shortage of blood and boobies, and commercial break fade-outs were dead giveaways. Doy! What can you say about the cast? Dean Cain is a perfect TV actor: good looking, speaks clearly, and can’t act his way out a fruitcake wrapper. I don’t know much about Erika Eleniak. She’s a looker, I guess. And as for Eric Roberts. Well. Poor Eric Roberts. Although this was made well before his recent career breakaway in The Dark Knight, I can’t help but feel sorry for the guy when I see him in things like this. He’s got that haunted look that John Carradine had in his final roles: going through the motions, waiting for the cut so he can slam down another gulp of fortified salvation, praying for a pine-box curtain call. Well, OK, Eric’s not that bad off. I know a guy who goes to his gym in Hollywood. He’s in good shape. Now if he’d only choose better projects, avoid TV movies, and keep his pants on.

Um, scratch that, he’s in the Sci-Fi Original Cyclops this weekend. Don’t miss it!

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