Wednesday, December 3, 2008


Holiday Movie Category: Santa, Spare Us Video Game Movies


Effeminate jerkwad elves, computer animation powered by Amiga, SpongeBob Phone Bill, lots of penguin pounding, the Lawrence Welk of Fiji, and more poop and fart jokes than my last birthday party.

More details here.


Our story begins with a dare to guess the true origin of Santa Claus. Was he a kid-loving 4th century saint, an American marketing tool, or an ever-lasting symbol of the spirit of giving? Nope, turns out Santa was a pirate on the high seas who with his crooked brother Dingle Kringle stole toys from the rich and gave them to the poor. Seems their favorite pastime was bowling on the deck in between capers. One day Kringle cheats old Santa in a game and they get into a sword fight and fall overboard. They wind up frozen somewhere in the North Pole where they are discovered by a trio of elves who mistake Santa for White Beard, a mythic figure who will one day liberate the elves from frosty bucolic comfort. Seems Santa and Kringle have hit the mother lode when they discover that the elves run a toy factory and store the toys away in the mountains. Santa then shows them the game of bowling using the elves as pins which much like fart sounds gets them way excited. He’s then proclaimed the ruler of the elf kingdom. Wow, quite a day for the jolly fat man. Dingle looks on from the sidelines with simmering jealousy. There’s a song, a magic orb, more fart sounds, and embarrassingly bad animation. Centuries pass and Santa becomes a legend, marries Grizelda the hotty strudel chef, and puts up with Dingle’s crap. It’s now 2007, and Dingle is still a sponge and the elves are on the verge of striking after Santa has failed to meet their demands. Dingle challenges Santa to a game of Elf Bowling for the control of Christmas forever. He cheats to win, but is quickly discovered and banished from the North Pole, but has a plan for revenge. Cue villain-sung song detailing the evil plan. And so some other crap happens, like when Dingle blows up the factory and rambles discontent amongst the elves. He then sends Santa on some errand that leaves him stranded at sea. Dingle takes the elves to Fiji and more crap happens. Yadda, yadda, yadda. Christmas is saved and Baby Jesus bowls a 282.


1999. One day, someone emailed me a link to a video game website. In the message, this person guaranteed I would chuckle, become addicted, and never get another damn thing done. At this site called Nstorm, I downloaded a mini-game called Elf Bowling. I installed it, ran it, and yep I chuckled. You got your Santa bowling down prickish elves that mock and crack wise. Four hours later, I was officially sick of Elf Bowling. A couple of years pass. Someone else emails me a link to Elf Bowling 2. I installed it, ran it, and yep I chuckled. In this version, bowling has been replaced with shuffleboard on the deck of a cruise ship where Santa battles Dingle for control of Christmas as wiseass elves talk shit. Two hours later, I was officially sick of Elf Bowling 2. More years pass. I receive another link to Elf Bowling 3: The Final Insult where you have to catapult elves onto targets with Mrs. Claus’ enormous bra. Ten minutes later, I was officially sick of Elf Bowling 3. There’s my exposure with the Elf Bowling series. If there’s been more than three, I never heard of them, and I’ve never heard of the Elf Bowling MOVIE until some wisen-heimer sent me the link. And boy, are they ever scraping the bottom of the barrel with this one. There’s barely a story, the animation is worse than that Rudolph sequel and they mix elements from other better fare such as wacky penguins, dorky pirates, and characters doing surfer shtick with dull results. And it’s just not funny. There’s no shred of the crude appeal of the video game and instead we’re gifted with an 80-minute headache that’s best avoided like sour egg nog.

No comments: