Tuesday, December 9, 2008


Holiday Movie Category: Vince Vaughn’s Annual Holiday Soul-Killing Chuckle-Thon


Vince the Tub, Reese the Pixie, Ralphie the Ticket Agent, Robert the Grumpus, Sissy the Ditzy, Jon the Voight, Favreau the "What the Hell am I doing in this Movie, I Directed Iron-Man for Christ’s-Sake!" Guy, Mary the MILF, Kristen the Boob-Brained Squeaky Chick, Dwight the Hokum, and more dysfunction than an ’88 Chrysler.

More details here.


Brad (Vince Vaughn) and Kate (Reese Witherspoon) are a happy and successful couple living it up in San Francisco free from the bonds of matrimony and the obligations of diaper-filling spawn. Each Christmas, they make up a big lie about doing charity work so that they can avoid visiting their respective messed-up families (all divorced parents) and take off on a nice vacation. This year, however, their plans are thwarted when their flight is grounded and they are caught on live TV at the busy airport. Suddenly, the couple is faced with the task of enduring an entire day spent with horrible human beings, themselves included. First, they visit Brad’s cranky Pops (Robert Duvall) and his muscle-brained brother Denver (a pumped Jon Favreau) other loser brother Dallas (Tim McGraw) and hilarity ensues when they try to install a Dish TV, have a pissing contest, and wrassle. Kate learns a secret about Brad, mostly that he might make a good father and that his real name is ‘Orlando’. Chuckle #1. Next, it’s a visit to Kate’s vacuous Mom (Mary Steenbergen) and her acid-tongued sister (Kristin Chenoweth). Brad learns that Kate used to be a fatty, had lesbian tendencies, and is scared of jumping castles. Chuckle #2. Next, it’s off to see Brad’s Mom (Sissy Spacek) in her New Age hippy home. Kate learns that Brad’s Mom is banging Brad’s former best friend (guy from Swingers). Chuckle #3. The ordeal up to this point has forced Kate to question her flimsy commitment to Brad, who prefers an easy-going, fun-oriented, sinisterly self-centered coupling to marriage and kids. And the pair breaks up. But the wacky, wacky, wacky isn’t over yet and perhaps a X-mas miracle will bring these two idiots together and get me the Hell out of this theater.

Listless, Exhausted Final Chuckle.


OK, families suck. And families at the holidays suck even worse. How many goddamned holiday movies do we have to sit through and get this point nailed squarely on our heads? Apparently, the answer is a never-ending supply. Other movie-inspired suckage include baby puke, bratty kids, Vince Vaughn’s motormouth, wah-wah commitment fears, and jokes that land with a poop-weighted thud. All these elements form the feeble comedy in the breezy, underdeveloped Four Christmases. The cast is stellar: Duvall, Spacek, Voight, and Steenbergen amongst others, but even their brief appearances aren’t enough to compensate for the complete lack of chemistry between Vaughn and Witherspoon. Puffy Vince and isty-bitsy Reese are not only physically mismatched; they can’t even seem to get a decent rhythm going in the simplest of comedic moments. Underneath all the dreary visual gags, pratfalls, and vomit humor, a sweet little movie about relationships, family, and commitment could have emerged. Even coming in at under 90 minutes, the movie drags at a predictable pace with crazy cookie-cutter characters and one-note jokes that goes absolutely nowhere. Vaughn and Witherspoon are two big talents, but even they cannot strangle a laugh out of a script and story that seemed to be misguidedly mish-mashed between light romantic comedy and madcap Christmas farce. Vaughn, who’s on his way to a Bad X-mas Movie Trifecta, is growing tiresome and needs a new angle if he wants to be the next Movie King of Christmas. How about you start with this: pull this nail out of my head!!!

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