Thursday, December 18, 2008


Holiday Movie Category: Jesus Died for THIS?


Chris Rock the Elf, Santa’s Magic Nose Dust, Santa’s Evil Brother Agnes (?), Graduates of the Stephen Furst Acting Academy, Set Design by My Neighborhood Crazy Homeless Lady Who Thinks I’m Clark Gable, a syphilitic Santa, America’s Biggest Loser Parents, and a serious lack of fast-moving killer X-mas trees.

More details here.


Jeremy is a nerdy boy who emails Santa his wish list while his dickhead brother Butch mocks him. The boy’s parents are having marital problems and can’t afford gifts this year, so they decide to cancel X-mas prompting Jeremy to send his plea to St. Nick. Meanwhile, the Claus operation is getting upgraded with the help of elfin efficiency expert and miniscule Vulcan, Pointer (black midget with Spock ears). The magic of the internets streamlines Santa’s communication with the children of Earth. But the new technology reveals a security flaw that allows Santa’s evil brother Agnes (?) to invade, take over the North Pole, and zap the big guy to Jeremy’s backyard. Unfortunately, St. Nick’s got amnesia but stupid Jeremy with his stupid aqua Izod shirt and his stupid faith in X-mas helps Santa recover his memories. Santa does a Jon Edward bit and convinces Jeremy’s parents to stay together while Agnes’ (?) henchmen arrive on the scene to whack Santy Claus. After a few wacky fast-motion tit-less Benny Hill-ish segments, Santa settles for a cot in the basement to counsel the family, recuperate his magical powers to bore, and belch and fart. Pointer, Jeremy, and some old perv who owns a baseball card shop join forces to fight Agnes (?) and thwart his plan to recruit the naughty children of the world to do his bidding through the power of Santa’s magic hat. Oh, and apparently all it takes for thousands of years of X-mas tradition to crumble and be turned over to the fey, ham-fisted Agnes (?) is Santa’s signature. And so some other crap happens: Santa’s tied up in a cave and squeals, Jeremy gets merrily molested I guess, and Santa kills Agnes (?) with magic boogers. Although I hate to reveal spoilers, X-mas does get saved, but at what cost? Probably $.99.


Bad X-mas movie! Sigh. Hey, you know what? Screw Santa. This year’s X-mas Wrath might need saving. Bad, bad X-mas movie! Well, my mood might brighten if I get the snarky comments out of the way. Almost identical to last week’s Dear Santa in cheapness and depraved ineptitude, The Boy Who Saved Christmas is about as enjoyable as a candy cane colonoscopy. This cheapo Santa Claus has not only conquered Martians, he’s also stomped, thrashed, and pooped on my sanity. This is not reindeer shit. This is reindeer shit after it’s been consumed by flies and then shit out again only to be broken down by bacteria that shit it out yet again. Actually, it could only strive to be reindeer-shit-eating-fly-shit-bacteria-shit. This movie reminds me of olden days, when broke-ass Tremendo haunted the Goodwill video rack for cinematic treasures while surrounded by taint stains, bologna burps, and moldy feet. Only this movie lacks such luxurious atmosphere. If this passes for entertainment value under the X-mas tree for morons shopping for gifts at a truckstop, then maybe X-mas is better left unsaved. Bah, humbugshit!

P.S. It’s not very good!

No comments: