Monday, October 8, 2018

THE DWELLING (1993)

THE CARD:

Burt Ward, Michelle Bauer, Donny Valenti, Bruce Carson, Satanic boobies, and $375 LA rent (uuuggghhh). 

More details here.

WARNING: SPOILERS BELOW






THE ANGLE:

Aspiring writer and farm boy Andy (Valenti) leaves his dusty hometown and heads for college in Los Angeles.  When he arrives, he finds his apartment taken, his neighborhood a crime-riddled cesspool, and everyone a total shitbag.  What a mistake he's made.

Seconds away from a Gob Bluth-esque realization.
Luckily, he finds an apartment he can afford which is managed by complete asshole Crasmire (Ward).  His neighbor is sultry but friendly aspiring actress Pam (Bauer) who isn't shy about her attraction to him.

Wish my neighbors were this friendly.
Andy is kept up at night by weird sounds in the apartment upstairs and complains to Crasmire who claims no one has been in that apartment for months. We then see him going about his business like buying books for school, trying to get a job, losing his wallet, flirting with Pam, and feeding chips to cockroaches.  Ah, cinema!

Just like in the movie, here's some half-naked chicks for no reason.
Inevitably Andy discovers that Satanic rituals, led by dickhead Crasmire, are being conducted in the apartment. 

Holy Black Magic, old chum!
Pam is kidnapped by Crasmire's cult who ritually transform her into a busty Freddy Krueger of sorts.

"Peek-a-boooobies!"
But Andy is able to muster up some farm boy gumption and takes on Crasmire's minions and saves the soul of his hot-to-trot neighbor.

Or maybe he's made another huge mistake.
THE FINISHER:

When I first started this blog in 2008, the goal was to watch a few movies a week and post my thoughts like every other dingus with a blog and $10 to buy a domain name.  But I always wanted to reserve October for something special: watching 31 random horror movies and posting a daily review of each and every one of them, hence the #31DaysOfHalloween challenge.  Some years have been more productive than others, but recently my attempt at this challenge has resulted in a piss poor burnout.  In 2015, for example, I turned out one post.  Reasons include said burnout, work and personal life commitments, and a laundry list of other Halloweeny things to do.  But another reason is that every year a movie comes along that attempts to kill my enthusiasm to continue doing this and ask for my $10 back.  In 2015, it was an excruciating piece of shit called Demon Cop, a “film” so indescribably terrible that it may be considered avant-garde.  There was so much to write about it, but my hands and my head were crippled with head-shaking confusion and disgust.  This year’s Demon Cop may very well be The Dwelling.

A super-low budget production with Poverty Row level acting and all the cinematic spectacle of a fat kid’s 80s birthday party, The Dwelling looks like it was shot at s murder scene in a Spirit Halloween store and features the dramatic range of a raccoon turd.  B-movie splatter queen Bauer and former Batman star Ward are the only ones who appear to be committed to squeezing this one out.  Lead Valenti is affable and sympathetic but dull as the devil’s dung.  The gore is sparse as Ward is electrocuted which results in pizza sauce smeared all over his face and Bauer and her other voluptuous horror pals aren’t shy about providing gratuitous nudity.  Over an hour of the movie is devoted to Andy farting around LA, discovering it’s not a cheap town (the only real thing about this movie), and encountering a series of his fellow citizens all of whom are inexplicably hostile and complete dicks (also the real).  The Satan stuff is barely explained beyond having a few extras in reaper hoods and drawing some devil shit on the walls.  So I can safely say that The Dwelling has failed to kill my #31DaysOfHalloween because, um, I just wrote a few sentences about it.  However, I will recommend it for your Halloween Marathon, as the last half hour is a treasure trove of stuff to mock so long as you set aside some time to think long and hard about your life beforehand.

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