Friday, August 24, 2007

Letters, we get Letters!

Here’s another bit I’m going to steal from Letterman: Viewer Mail!

Thank you, Paul.

My first piece of viewer mail comes from Liza in Arizona, who describes herself as a ‘true fan’. She writes:

Señor Tremendo,

Hello from Southern Arizona. I have often wondered about Luchadors. What are your hobbies and can you name some of the fabulous women you have dated? Do you have any older siblings? If so, how many and what are their ages. Can you give me a detailed account of one of your famous wrestling moves? I am teaching my young child to wrestle and she's getting better than me, and she's only 3 months old. I need help. Can you help me?

I hope to hear from you soon and to see you again on FGP.

I don’t have time for hobbies. Hobbies are for the weak. I prefer to live life, not tinker with trivialities, bother with beguilements, or deal with distractions. Wait, maybe alliteration is my hobby?

I was raised by MA TREMENDO to respect the fairer sex and thus must decline to divulge information on my lurid and varied dalliances with the ladies. In my opinion, women are the epitome of glory and should be caressed, lathered, rinsed, listened to, and spoiled like a Asian kid at GameStop. But if you insist on details, wait until the 2009 release of my newest coffee table book, EL TREMENDO’s Dames I’ve Nailed: Volume One.

The only sibling I care to mention is my estranged sister La Venemosa Mariposa who married my arch rival of 1981-1982, El Extraño. The treachery! We have not spoken in several years and the last I heard is that they made millions in Bumper Dumper futures.

For a brief time in 1977, I adopted the gimmick of the Jewish cowboy wrestler known as the Galloping Rabbi Bucky Goldstein. I got the idea after I overheard a joke on the bus one day. My favorite move back then was the “Sabbath Stretch”, a variation of the Prussian Glute Grind coupled with an Over-The-Shoulder-Boulder-Holder followed through with a Toledo Titty Twanger (not to be confused with the Newark Nipple Nuke). Oh, I was so nimble in those days! Anyway, I could only do the move on Saturdays for some reason.

An infant cannot wrestle. That’s ludicrous. She would be easily beaten. Do you have access to steroids?

Thanks for writing, Liza.

Now, if anyone needs me tonight, I’ll be at the American Cinematheque’s triple feature of The Werewolf, The Black Scorpion, and Monster on Campus. Recap this weekend.