Sunday, October 19, 2008


On the nineteenth day of Halloween, my boo love gave to me ... nineteen acne-suffering undead bikers in purple pants!


Super deformed Space Shuttle models, a marauding Howard Stern, young Captain Spaulding, a crumbling Los Angeles cityscape north of the 10, running women in tank tops with perky boobs, and zombies I think.

More details here.


Earth is devastated after a zombie epidemic wipes out most of the population. A crew of astronauts on a mission in space (or someone's garage, I can't tell) loses contact and returns home unaware of the global disaster. They crash land in the ocean and make camp on the beach where they are attacked by the undead who apparently know how to box. In the morning, they trek towards the leveled city of Los Angeles where they stumble across a tape recording someone left documenting the downfall of society. The astronauts go exploring, argue incessantly about the reasons for the downfall of humanity, and find a museum with a small band of survivors subsisting inside. Pioneering uber-nerd Forrest J. Ackerman appears as the tour guide in the dilapidated museum and he muses poetically about man's folly. Um, Forrest, there are some things man can't be held responsible for, even zombie apocalypses, OK? Thanks. Meanwhile a scumbag leader of a biker gang, Cutter (Syd Haig) has his way with kidnapped women, tortures survivors, and generally acts like a jerk. Forry kicks the bucket and the main astronaut, Newman, takes over the leadership and care of the museum survivors including a young boy he gets a little too cozy with. Newman and the kid have a run-in with a woman (the one with the perkiness) who escaped Cutter's gang. They are soon attacked by zombies who jump off roofs and carry sticks. This may be the first appearance of fast-moving zombies! Back safely at the museum, Newman and perky chick hump while Cutter's army commits more atrocities. Newman and his small band plot to overthrow the monstrously horny Cutter, who's been raping, pillaging, eating' babies, blah blah blah. Now here's where it gets weird. Newman's girlfriend gets a hold of a laser gun. A Star Wars-type laser gun. She destroys most of Cutter's camp with the super magic gun. And then we don't see it again. They return to the museum where they hump some more. Cutter gets his revenge when he invade the museum and rubs out a generous portion of the survivors. Newman finds perky girl dead, polishes his shotgun, and gears up for a full-on showdown, and the hope that the funny looking zombies will reappear dims.


Sweet Weeping Bad Movie Watching Christ. Where does Tremendo's DVD dealer find these things? More than likely the penny bid at the Dollar store and that's when he splurges. Zombie Aftermath, which sounds like my condition throughout high school, is a crappy sci-fi zombie flick that was probably made with leftover footage from that Shazam TV show of the 70s. Syd Haig, fresh off his Jason of Star Command run, dominates the scene with a seedy, swarthy presence not seen since, well, the prior Syd Haig B-movie cheapo. I mean, did he ever make anything worth a damn? There’s Rob Zombie’s Devil's Rejects, and I know people who like Spider Baby. I got to get around to watching that. I tried to watch it with Netflix streaming service, but for some reason the damn thing wouldn't stream. I upgraded to Explorer 7 and that seemed to do the trick, but then I lost other functionality so I went back to the prior version. I prefer Firefox as my browser to be honest. But Netflix streaming doesn't work with it. I know there are little hacks or fixes out there, but why doesn't Netflix just fix the damn thing? Not everyone bows down to Bill G. and Explorer blows. Have you tried that Google browser? I don't know if I want to download another damn browser. Firefox is fine with me. I even use their email program on my laptop. It's alright I guess, but what the hell do I know. Back to Haig, did anyone see Rob Zombie's Halloween remake? What a disappointment. But the remake was like totally unnecessary don't you think? I think most remakes of great movies are a big waste of time, like that Manchurian Candidate remake a few years back. Come on, Jonathan Demme! And Denzel Washington was unwatchable for the first time ever. I really like Devil in a Blue Dress, though. What a wonderful neo-noir, plus a good script didn't hurt. I remember watching it on VHS with this girl I had a crush on, my roommate's best friend. She made Rice Crispy squares with Red Hots in them. She was very talented. Mmmm...I sure could go for a few of those right now. Man, she was cute. Whatever happened to, um what was her name?




Oh yeah, Zombie Aftermath. It sucked.

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