TREMENDO TIME

I apologize for the lack of updates on the blog recently, but I just got back from Tremendo-Con ’08 in Atlanta. Fourteen days of autograph signing, posing for pictures and verbal abuse was certainly an exhausting experience. The fans held an FGP viewing marathon and I especially enjoyed seeing old episodes of FGP from years gone by. Anyone remember the ones with Dub’s Evil Twin, Schu’s talking commode, the Phil Silvers sex tape, and Santo’s hilariously misheard double-entendres? Ah, memories. Nevertheless, I was very pleased to see my fans from all over the South. Rest assured that I have since been deloused.

Three months have passed since X-mas and I’m only now getting around to unwrapping my presents. Judging from the mountain of yuletide offerings brimming from beneath my browning X-mas tree, it proved to be a bountiful holiday. Here’s a rundown of the glorious goodies your ol’ pal Tremendo received this year:

THE STAR WARS VAULT

The Star Wars Vault is a gi-normous frickin’ book filled with loads of SW-related reproductions of photos, artwork, and never-before-seen pieces of memorabilia.

Among the book's cornucopia of orgasmic Geekdom are:

The questionnaire for the first and only test screening of the original Star Wars, plus the Cheetos-stained invitation to attend it.
George Lucas' hand-written treatment for The Empire Strikes Back in the original Crayon™!
Lucasfilm Christmas cards. Merry Force Be With You!
Iron-on T-shirt transfer of Boba Fett on the can.
The very first concept sketch drawn for Star Wars. Thankfully, they decided to set it in Outer Space.
Blueprints of Star Wars vehicles and sets. The original Orangeprints are missing.
Original hand-written directions for ground-breaking special effects. Example: “George: Remember to take the lens cap off. Christ.”

The book is the ultimate look into the three feature films; the three nauseating prequels; two spin-off films; three television series (even Droids. Yes!); and an extensive collection of licensed books, comics, video games, action figures, and trading cards which sent me into nerd catatonia. Added bonus: no Michael Bay!

SIMPSONS GAME

Finally, after twenty years of shitty Simpsons video games, we have received the be-all and end-all of Simpsons video games, the Simpsons Game. Playing this game is like watching a marathon of Simpsons episodes, loaded with mini-episodes between missions, hilarious vocal work by the cast, and impressive satire from the best animated show ever. While this past year’s Simpsons Movie didn’t generate a whole lot of enjoyment (much like Michael Bay), this video game surely makes up for it in its unrelenting self-parody of the show, other games such as Grand Theft Auto, Call of Duty, Dance Dance Revolution, and the traditions of gaming itself. Not only is the game play easy, fun, and re-playable, the cut-scenes are hilarious and indicative of direct creative involvement by the current writers and even Groening himself. My only problem is that game is too short and given the breadth of the satirical territory it covers I don’t think they’ll be able to top it with a sequel. Both hardcore and casual Simpsons fans will love it and wish to be in the Land of Chocolate. Oh, and my ass is sore and I need a life. Thanks, Matt.

SWEENEY TODD

I couldn’t find time to make it out to the multiplex, so I rang up my old tag team partner Tim Burton (who wrestled under the monikers ‘The Pink Fiend’ and ‘Lucky Pierre’) and asked him to give me the gist of his recent film. He hung up on me. Maybe I shouldn’t have called with my Pee Wee Herman voice. Film stars Johnny Depp, Helena Bohnam-Carter-Underdunk-Burton, and Ubiquitous Alan Rickman and is based on a play of some sort where dialogue is sung instead of bellowed, Sweeney Todd is a revenge tale with lots of slashing, darkness, clown-makeup, and Burtonesque Emo-fueled angst. Seriously, it turned out to be a rather solid Burton outing and I was surprised by the singing abilities of the multi-talented Depp who I don’t doubt can walk on water, heal the sick, and choke the living shit out of Michael Bay with a thought. So I considered Sweeney Todd a little gift from Burton, who has finally not burdened a film with his tired trademarks and overwrought art school pretension.

THE DARK CORNER

Henry Hathaway’s 1946 Dark Corner is a superb film noir bringing into play the aesthetic hallmarks of the genre: seedy, stark cinematography; a down-on-his-luck private eye (Mark Stevens); his ever-loving moll (a shockingly hot Lucille Ball); a shadowy, sinister heavy (Clifton Webb); and a sharp, taut script with plenty of twists and turns. The film's title refers to the Sam Spade-ish main character whose tough-guy exterior is worn down by a past pock-marked by multiple frame jobs: "There goes my last lead. I feel all dead inside. I'm backed up in a dark corner and I don't know who's hitting me."

Gumshoe Bradford Galt is forced to solve the murder of his former slimeball-of-Michael-Bay-esque-proportions partner who framed him and sent him to prison. The film starts out slow but eventually evolves compellingly and suspenseful as the myriad mystery unfolds. Director Hathaway imparts the film with a succinct style that reflects the material, and the script is accented with hard boiled dialogue that’s gleefully emblematic of the genre ("I'm clean as a peeled egg!"). The characters are patently dark and brutal, especially William Bendix as a thug slob and Webb as the villainous aristocrat. But it’s the chemistry between Stevens and Ball, coupled with the inclusion of genuine plot twists that ensnares the viewer and ensures The Dark Corner as an excellent example of noir.

SUPERMAN: RED SON

I really like alternate histories, mostly in the “What If” style where an already established series of fictional events have been tweaked and retold. Favorites include “What if Hulk went berserk?”, “What if Spider Man was evil?”, and “What if Michael Bay was good?”. The premise of the graphic novel Superman: Red Son plays upon an alternate scenario for the origin of the Man of Steel who is re-envisioned as the last son of Krypton who crash lands in Russia instead of the Midwest. Supes becomes a super-powered dirty Commie. In this alternate world, Russia is strong and prosperous under Superman's protection, while the U.S. decays from outdated ideologies and paranoia. The antagonisms between East and West are played out not so much as an arms race, but as a struggle to find the American equivalent of a national super-powered hero, and in doing so retells other superhero origins such as Green Lantern. For the most part, the narrative is gripping, especially when the focus is turned to Lex Luthor’s obsession with eradicating Superman in a re-telling of the Cold War, comic book style. But the storytelling fails when the subject matter is not fully explored. Lacking is a meaningful examination of the impact Russian and Communist ideology upon Superman born and raised in this environment. He’s essentially the same do-gooder school boy as in the regular continuity, only with a hammer and sickle as a chest emblem. Also, the book loses itself when it fails to decide whether it’s a parody of 1950s propaganda, a deconstruction of the Superman character, or just another cartoon-ish comic book epic.

The inconsistent tone fluctuates between morality tale to absurd satire to action-packed superhero punch-up, forcing the reader to wonder just what’s the point of a Russian Superman. However, the artwork is top-notch, and despite its lack of depth and unrealized potential, I’m tempted to recommend the book because of its unique idea, alternate vision of an American icon, and a knock-out ending.

CARL WEATHERS

The last gift I unwrapped had been wriggling and moaning in the corner for several weeks. In my absence, the housemaid had ignored the sounds, thinking we had yet another bout of horny mice.

I unwrapped the muscular, sweating, 6’ 2” gift and discovered to my widened eyes that it was none other than Action Jackson himself – Carl Weathers! What a surprising treat on a merry March 20^th morn. We promptly shared a breakfast of bacon, eggs, and oxygen and he regaled me with tales of his fabulous career. Tale after tale was spun, such as:

The jig he had to dance to get cast as ‘Hambone’ in Arthur Marks’ Bucktown.
Making out with Ester Rolle to get a bit part on Good Times.
Walking in on William Conrad taking a dump during his Cannon cameo.
His legendary fight with producers to cast Chino “Fats” Williams as Kid Sable in Action Jackson.
His soliloquy from Assault on Death Mountain. Get me a hanky!
Rocky IV’s production nearly collapsing due to Dolph Lundgren’s obsessive sock-sniffing.

Oh, the stories are endless. In fact, they haven’t stopped. But I don’t care! To hell with Michael Bay! I’ve got a new friend to pal around with.

My man Carl Weathers. He’s got time to bleed.

Arriving at Gate 1138

Tremendo lands in 5 ... 4 ... 3 ... 2 ...

Monday, December 24, 2007

A Very Film Geek Christmas

Twas the night before X-mas,
And all through Film Geek Primer HQ,
Three film geeks were stirring,
Namely Santo, Dub, and our pal Schu.

All around the studio, decorations shone with a gleam,
And presents from viewers were no where to be seen.
The empty DVD cases were hung by the chimney with care
In hopes that Roger Ebert soon would be there.

Santo lay nestled all geeky in his bed
While visions of skewered Michael Bay danced in his head.
With Schu on the throne, and Dub snoring the blues,
They all settled down for a long winter's snooze.

When out in the hall, there arose such a clatter.
Santo sprang from his crusty bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window, he flew like a flash,
And drew his shotgun like Evil Dead hero Ash.

When, what to Santo’s tired eyes should appear,
But a stumbling Mexican Wrestler with a bag full of cheer.
He was mumbling and grumbling and choking on his sick,
Santo guessed it might be Santa or some other prick.

He noticed that Santa was dressed in red fur from his head to his knees,
And he stank of cheap hooch, Christmas holly, and rotten cheese.
His eyes -- how they twinkled! His dimples how lame!
His nose was like roses, like he was stoned on cocaine!

His dreams of meeting Santa were finally coming true,
But he was really hoping for Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo.
Suddenly from behind Masked Santa eight tiny people came
And the drunken doofus called them out by name:

"Now, Shane! Now, Aaron! Now, Sally y Darren!
On Peter, on Mary, on Mel, y Carrie!
It’s safe in here, let’s forget these past weeks!
Come in, drink up, and spend time with film geeks!

“This'll be better,” Mexi Santa shouted, “than winning a thousand Lottos,
Or spending X-mas watching the films of George P. Cosmatos!”
Santo shook his head in disgust for he disagreed,
And thought he’d rather get kicked in, and pooped on, and peed.

“What are you doing?” irritated Santo yelled, “Get out!”
“Get the hell out of my house, like right freakin’ now!”
Santa stared at him until his brain began to hurt,
And said, “Why would you turn us away, you Godard-loving jerk?”

“Who are you and why should I care?” Santo retorted.
“They are striking TV writers”, Santa huffily snorted.
“They work so hard to bring you daily crap,

And this is how you thank them, by sending them back?”

So Santo let them stay in his humble abode,
And the feelings of hostility so began to erode.
They broke out in song and ate pie ala mode.
And Santo and the geeks thought, “This might make a good episode”.

Um. No.

Sunday, December 23, 2007

El T’s 32nd Annual X-mas Porn Review

Ah, sweet porn. What would the holidays be without it? I know yours truly wouldn't be around. And neither would 72 of my 131 illegitimate lil'Tremendos. So like Santa coming down the chimney, let's continue the tradition with entry number 32 in my long-running series of:

Reviews of XXX-themed X-mas X-films!

CHARLES DICK-IN’S A CHRISTMAS IN CAROL

Directed by: Billy Blue
Starring: Suzy Creamcheese, Fonda Dix, Cindy Sinn, Kandee Cowgirl, Moana Cummings, Willy Mammoth, Jean-Luc Prickhard, Ron Jeremy

Director Billy Blue has accomplished the truly unique in his adaptation of the classic Charles Dickens' X-mas story into another setting and context, which has never been done before, ever. Dickens' work often lends itself well to the screen and this is no exception, despite being shot on video with two, maybe three lights.

The story concerns Carol Spooge (Creamcheese), a young, vivacious but stingy adult bookstore owner with a less than festive attitude. After a war of words on top of her office desk, she fires her only employee Boob Scratchit (Dix) on X-mas Eve. Later that evening, the ghost of her old partner, Jacob Hardly (Mammoth) decides to intervene in a moving confrontation on a credenza. Later, a trio of X-mas spirits appears to her and inflicts a series of horrifyingly erotic visions on Carol to convince her of the error of her ways.

Creamcheese takes on the biggest role of her career in A Christmas in Carol.

Carol's life story is told in a series of flashbacks, facilitated by old-style yet effective trick photography. Stalwart director Blue uses this device to conjure up an earlier, innocent world in which to chronicle Carol's decent into misanthropy. This contrasts effectively with her gloomy, squalid present and doomed future in a prophylactic-less world. And each spirit has a profound effect on Carol, especially newcomer Sinn as the Ghost of X-mas Ass.

The film features a superb central performance from Suzy Creamcheese, all wayward hair, unbridled enthusiasm and all-you-can-eat eyes. She invests Carol with dignity and wit as her cynicism is gradually stripped away. Her reunion with Scratchit and Not-So Tiny Tim (Prickhard) at the end makes for a joyous transformation on Christmas morning which moved me deep down.

Master thespian Jeremy chews up the scenery as the Ghost of X-mas Pantless.

On the positive side, this story shows how a bad attitude affects everyone from enjoying a safe X-mas. The film ends as one might expect for a morality tale, but is none the worse for it. All in all, it is a humbling, wrist-numbing, festive treat. As Not-so Tiny Tim says: "God bone us, every one".

RUDOLPH THE BI-CURIOUS REINDEER

Directed by: Harvey Gangbanger
Starring: Trixi Tee, Cha-Cha Boudoir, Roxie Cash, Krista Charity, Tony Bologna

In this lighthearted comedy, Trixie Tee sheds the intensity of her previous roles in Frosty the Well-Endowed Snowman and Wally Wanker in Her Chocolate Factory, to name just a few, and plays Rudy, a shy crimson-nosed reindeer struggling to deal with her sexual awakening mere days before X-mas Eve. One morning, Rudy awakes to the appearance of a bright-red honker whenever she thinks about love, which she does a lot. In fact, she thinks about it many, many times. Taking on the themes of tolerance and acceptance from the famed X-mas tale, the film allows Tee to bring to her portray a surprising comedic angst and fierce energy as none previously seen from this teen wonder.

Tee's portrayal of troubled reindeer Rudy is impressive, despite the lousy CGI.

The first act is mostly comprised of Rudy’s interactions with her fellow residents of the North Pole, including a milkman, a cable guy, and three helpful construction worker reindeer. All of them are put-off by the appearance of Rudy’s shiner and she is shunned and ridiculed. Soon her boss Santa (Bologna) discovers her red-nose problem during a heated encounter in the stable and he fires her from the sleigh team. Rudy, distraught, returns home and meets a "perfect stranger" in the form of the lovely Lulu the Elf (Cash) who steps into her life and brings magic. And a few toys.

Even the Easter Bunny gets in on the fun in Rudolph.

Lulu persuades Rudy to file a discrimination lawsuit against Santa. Bearing a grudge against St. Nick, she even creates fake photos of Mrs. Claus (Boudoir) in a leather-clad embrace with a Snowman in icy-bun-exposed pants. Ironically, we discover the encounter actually happened in a stirring, stark flashback. Despite Rudy’s protests, the photo gets sent to Santa and events start spinning like a X-mas snow globe in a blizzard, eventually changing Rudy's life forever. Oddly, for the rest of the film, Bi-Curious flirts with being politically correct and becomes predictable as Rudy confronts Mrs. Claus, who rejects her at first but is eventually swayed into accepting her. Santa suddenly finds the pair, engages in discourse with them, and learns the error of his ways. All is well again and Rudy gets to pull Santa’s sleigh.

Rudy's elfen friends demonstrate the true spirit of giving in Rudolph the Bi-Curious Reindeer.

While watching the film, I caught myself feeling surprised that such a banal movie could actually be entertaining and meaningful, and this is mostly due to Tee's sensitive performance. Besides Tee, the acting is adequate, although there are a few highlights. Boudoir as Mrs. Claus, for example, is especially good and starts off great as a gauche homophobe when confronted with Rudy’s predicament. However, a few quality minutes with Rudy eradicate her prejudices, and the problem is licked. This touching scene demonstrates to us how smart women can master the most impossible situations.

IT’S A WONDERFUL BUTT ORGY

Directed by: Peter Navy
Starring: Dani Babineaux, Isis Desire, Jenny Juggs, Lillian St. Claire, Karma Kamelons, Shelly Montana, Vinnie 13, Jack Mehoffer, Derek Morningwood

This surprise winner of the 2000’s Best Far-In Stiffy award is a quiet film, with the most unlikely characters to turn it into a success: curmudgeonly residents of sex addiction treatment center in a far remote town. However, it's the subject of food and togetherness, and showing a feast to end all feasts, that endears this movie over to audiences.

Narrated by legendary director Dick Dangle, the film opens with a flashback, depicting the frustrated love lives of Nina (Juggs) and Nikki (Desire), former secretaries to President Clinton. The saga then shifts to the present, a week before X-mas, as the sensitive center counselor Marie (sizzling French actress Babineaux), enters the employ of the center after an intense interview with the tough-as-nails administrator played by the monstrous Vinnie 13.

Santa shows his gentle side in Butt Orgy.

After days trying to help a motley crew of social misfits that comprise the center’s clientele, Marie decides to prepare a sumptuous banquet in honor of the center's 10th anniversary which falls on X-mas. But it isnt' as easy as it sounds. At first, the stoic clients are reluctant to participate in the banquet, but ultimately, they joyously indulge in Marie's spread.

A gentle film, Butt Orgy is an upbeat movie, despite the austerity of the characters and their surroundings. The entire ensemble is excellent, beginning with vet actors Kamelons, as a cockeyed gymnast, and Montana, as wily spinster who's still got some gas in her engine. The movie is a quiet celebration of the divine grace that meets us at every turn, and even redeems our ways not taken, our sacrifices and losses. This film should be viewed not solely for the interaction with the characters or even the expectations that the clients will be cured of their affliction. It should be viewed for its spirit of sharing, its revelation of the beauty of togetherness, and its unabashed sentimentality in these wary, uncertain days.

That and the hot ass fucking.

Other holiday titles to watch out for: Elves Doing Themselves, The Pole Her Express, and I Saw Mommy Doing Many Weird Things to Santa Claus.

Friday, December 21, 2007

El T's X-mas Photo Album

Here's a few pictures to share from your old pal El Tremendo's Holiday Tome of Memories, aka My K-Mart Photo Saver.

December, 1946, New York City.

Film Geek Schu and I as little ones on Santa's lap at Macy's. The guy playing Santa called himself Kris Kringle, spoke Dutch, and sold real estate in his spare time. He was later put away in the nut house. During his sanity hearing, a crucial piece of evidence arrived too late and he was hung on X-mas morning. Dang post office!

December, 1989, Sweden.
Life was so much simpler back when I was a hot woman.

December, 1968, Culver City, CA.
I briefly replaced Brian Keith on CBS's Family Affair during season three where I was introduced as Uncle Tremendo. I was fired after body-slamming Sebastian Cabot for constantly swiping butter croissants from my dressing room. I have no idea why I have the same facial expression in all these pics.

X-Mas Day, 2006, Hollywood, CA.
Save the cheerleader, save my pants!

December 21st, 2007, Tucson, AZ
A special holiday message from Film Geek Schu.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Three X-mas Movies You Probably Won't Be Watching This Year

SANTA WITH MUSCLES

“Directed” by: John Murlowski
“Written” by: Jonathan Bond, Fred Mata, Dorrie Krum Raymond
“Starring”: Hulk Hogan, Don Stark, Garret Morris, Robin Curtis, Mila Kunis, Ed Begley Jr., Clint Howard, Brutus Beefcake

Despite his immense popularity in the pro wrestling world, Hulk Hogan isn’t much of an athlete. He also has made many films, but he isn’t much of an actor. And if you’ve been watching his reality series and the current drama surrounding his family, he’s proven to be not much of a human being. But despite his scumbaggery, he has proven to be a reliable treasure trove of mocking goodness for the film geek. Like an answer to a prayer from absolutely no one, Hogan gifted 1996’s Santa With Muscles to hateful geeks everywhere. It also helps if you pronounce the title with your worst Schwarzenegger impression so it sounds like "Zantah viz Mua-sols".

No expense was spared in the title sequence to Santa With Muscles.

After a year or so of searching, I found my VHS copy of Santa With Muscles in the middle of the Arizona desert. I’m sure its scarcity is due to all the little Hulksters out there who ate their prayers and said their vitamins and bought up every single copy with blind avarice in worship to the almighty Hogan.

After hearing legends of the movie’s crapacity, I scrambled for a copy, ultimately locating it at a swap meet in the rear (how appropriate) of a greasy trailer filled with other shitty movies and mysteriously stained girly mags. The guy who sold it to me had fewer teeth than I have legs. Two.

Hulk Hogan destroys yet another child by his mere existence.

Co-starring SNL vet Morris, That 70’s Show alum Stark and über-cutie Kunis, Star Trek’s Curtis, St. Elsewhere’s Ed Begley Jr., and Rance Howard’s Clint Howard, the film looks like it was put together with a Video Toaster and carefully crafted with the all aesthetics of a GoGurts commercial. The wackiness begins with the introduction of the Hulkster as some kind of fitness guru/infomercial pitchman…

Wait…I’ve gotta to stop here. I can’t do this review any justice. These guys did a much better job:

Wrestlecrap's Santa With Muscles Review.

Need a Christmas Eve triple-feature featuring muscle-bound morons doing holiday shtick? Then stick Santa with Muscles, Jingle all the Way with Gov. Arnold, and Santa’s Slay with buff dork Bill Goldberg in your stocking and let the agony roll.

SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS

Directed by: Nicholas Webster
Written by: Paul L. Jacobson and Glenville Mareth
Starring: John Call, Leonard Hicks, Bill McCutcheon, Vincent Beck, Pia Zadora, Ned Wertimer

With a cast that boasts Broadway veterans, a Golden Globe winner, and the guy who played the doorman on The Jeffersons, it’s no wonder that Santa Claus Conquers the Martians has been hailed as a Christmas family classic. But in truth, it’s an absolute piece of reindeer shit.

Much like viewers of Deal or No Deal, the children on Mars are easily entertained by Earth's TV programs. Hypnotized by transmissions of the jolly fat man giving away toys to good little boys and girls, the kids yearn for a Santa of their very own. So the pater familias of a Martian clan consults a squeaky old cave-living sage who recommends that Mars should have a Santa Claus because Martian children have become emotionless automatons with no sense of the value of family, love, and caring, much like the viewers of Deal or No Deal. So Dad does the only sensible thing and invades Earth with four guys and the worst robot since Small Wonder. The Martian posse kidnaps Santa and two earthling children who return to Mars to work in a toy sweat shop. Along the way, a group of Martian proto-Nazis opposes Earth's cultural infiltration of Mars and war begins. Well, a pie fight. Only with toys. All's well when the good green folks of Mars realizes that it always had a Santa in the form of hilarious green-tard Dropo. Santa and the kids are allowed to go home and forget this super cheapo, embarrassing, and badly lit gig ever happened.

A murderous Martian catches Santa on the can.

Things learned from watching Santa Claus Conquers the Martians:

The United Nations can meet at the drop of a hat and launch a multinational military operation within hours if Santa Claus goes missing for 30 minutes.
Martians can kill you with a blow dryer, use nuclear curtains to imprison, and walk around in emerald tights with bulges the size of jingle bells. Not that I noticed.
Santa is a pothead.
Listening to 'Hooray for Santy Clause', the opening and closing theme of the film, will cause 28 Days Later-like behavior after 12 minutes.
Bill McCutcheon's portrayal of comic relief Dropo the Martian was primarily influenced by his chronic irritable bowel syndrome.

Blink and you'll miss my cameo in Santa Claus Conquers the Martians.

Calling it 'Reindeer shit' is being harsh. The movie is pretty harmless and kinda fun. I can’t mock it any better than the Mystery Science Theater guys have already done to perfection. Watch it, trash it, and enjoy.

Hooray for Insanity Clause.

IT’S A TREMENDOUS LIFE

Directed by: Frank Capra
Starring: El Tremendo, Jimmy Stewart, and some other people.

Very few know the story behind the making of what could have been the greatest holiday picture of all time: Frank Capra’s It’s a Tremendous Life. So grab a hot cup of cocoa, sit back, and listen to a tale of treachery that hindered my early career in Hollywood.

I first met Frank Capra back at a Brooklyn pizza parlor in 1945. We downed a few slices and a pitcher or two talking business, you know, movie business. Earlier that evening, I had defended my Snooty Cigarettes© Tag Team Championship belt with my partner Cacafuego against the duo of hefty Germanic tough man Gunter Gallahad and the foppish 'Gentleman' Monty Armbruster. Capra was there in attendance mapping my every move for a possible bio picture. At the time, I had been in negotiations for the rights to film my life story with other directors such as Orson Welles, John Ford, and toddler Martin Scorcese. But I was holding out for the right script.

What remains of what could have been pure f*cking brilliance.

It turned out that the right script was the one I wrote: a spiritual journey to discover the value of familiar love, your own destiny, and the joy of giving to others set during X-mas in upstate New York. Here's the exact word-for-word synopsis I showed Capra:

"George Hailey has spent his entire life in Deadford Springs where he has sacrificed a career of travel and study to help garlic eaters buy shacks and get white people drunk. Dragged down by his selfish family, including a senile, syphilitic uncle, a marriage-obsessed menopausal mother, and a skirt-chasing Army-guy-saving jerk brother, he becomes trapped in an uneventful small town life.

Constantly in conflict with the Scrooge-like bowling alley baron Mister Pooter, George is unable to prevent the rich old kingpin from taking over the entire town. All that he has is a moldy old building and loan company, which was founded by his dopey stroke-prone father (deceased).

George eventually marries a pretty hot lady named Mary who turns out to be a baby factory and saddles poor ol'George with five rugrats (including one dangerously obsessed with flowers), a drafty old house, and an assload of a mortgage. Plus there's this guy who torments him with donkey impressions.

One Christmas Eve, George's Uncle Willy loses the company's total assets on whores and lollipops. Pooter retrieves the misspent money and hides it from the Haileys. A bank official doing an audit on X-mas effing Eve discovers the shortage, and George realizes that he will be held responsible, sent to jail, and lose the business, which would finally allow Pooter to take over the town. But at least he'd be away from those caroling, posey-sniffing brats. Anyway, he believes luscious Mary (who's like butta!) and other loved ones would be better off without hime, so he contemplates suicide.

George wanders to a nearby bridge over a river and prepares to jump. But the prayers of his loved ones result in an angel named El Tremendo arriving to help George. Unable to convince George that pills and not drowning is the only answer, Tremendo tries a different tactic. He shows George what things would have been like if he had never been born.

In a well-shot, widescreen vision in which the Pooter-controlled town has efficient trains, milk fountains, and lots and lots of Donut Kings, George discovers that his family and friends are pretty much the same, only with sturdier bones and protruding guts. But George ultimately decides suicide is not the answer when he finds Mister Pooter nailing Mary harder than an Amish barn.

In the end, El Tremendo transports George to a mystical wrestling ring, shows him many moves, and returns him to earth at the stroke of midnight on X-mas eve where he chokes out Mister Pooter, gets the money back, and makes baby #6. Verily, it is a tremendous life."

Capra was sold. Or so I thought. We got Jimmy Stewart to play George, but we only shot one scene: the first meeting between El Tremendo and George after his rescue where I try to convince him I'm a otherworldly messenger of a God who still thinks wrestling is real. Then, suddenly, I was out of the picture. They dumped me, retitled it, hired another guy as the angel, and completely perverted my vision.

Luckily, the movie wasn't a big hit and no one has ever heard or seen it multiple times over and over again every frickin' year since. I think you can find it at the Tanque Verde Swap Meet in Tucson for $1.99. Ask for Lewie, but please don't ask about the stains.

Pages

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Just In Case You Care: El T’s 2007 Movie Lists

Monday, March 24, 2008

What’d Ya Get?! What’d Ya Get?!! What’d Ya Get?!!!