BE AFRAID (2017)

THE CARD:

Brian Krause, Jaimi Paige, Louis Herthum, Jared Abrahamson, Michelle Hurd, Michael Leone, Noell Coet, and bucolic and shadow person-infested rural Pennsylvania.  

More details here.

WARNING: SPOILERS BELOW




THE ANGLE:

Your typical dark and stormy night.  A crazed man loads a shotgun and rants at the darkness while his wife pleads for him not to go outside.  He claims that he’s just protecting his family against “them” and scours the countryside but finds nothing in the cornfield around their home.  But there is something out there, and it takes away their young daughter in the night.

"You out there Malachi?"

Cut to the Chambers family.  Dr. John Chambers (Krause) moves his wife (Paige) and his young son Nathan (Leone) to a small town in Pennsylvania where he assumes the role of the town's emergency room doctor.  Eventually, his estranged older son Ben (Abrahamson) shows up, fresh from flunking out of college, to disrupt the family’s new life.  Shortly thereafter, wheezy shadow people start to roam the Chambers home.

"I'm basically a creeper without the jeeper."

After encountering the crazy man from the opening scene talking to Nathan in the forest, John learns about the kidnapping and begins to have paralyzing nightmares about the creatures invading his home.  His own doctor diagnoses a sleep disorder but the nightmares continue.

"Ah, I see the problem, there's a demonic kid-eating shadow beast on your cornea."

We also learn that the Chambers are super duper over protective of Nathan.  I mean I'm pretty sure the kid couldn't take a shit without a pat-down.  But this is all due to the fact that Mom Chambers has already suffered two miscarriages and they are just used to being extra careful about everything.  Meanwhile, Nathan is allowed to explore the forest where he is visited by the apparent spirit of the missing girl in the forest.  

"Hallo nice creepy girl like person! OY CLAVIN!"

The girl tries to lure him into a creepy tunnel where we eventually learn the shadow monsters reside.

You don't have to be Sigmund Freud to figure out this symbolism.

After a practical joke goes awry and Nathan turns up missing, John learns that the town's Sheriff (Herthum) in cahoots with the creatures, forcing him to go into the tunnel alone to retrieve Nathan.   

"Um, honey maybe we can keep trying on that baby..."

He meets the creatures face-to-face and after a brief struggle, he's able to save the day.  Although Nathan survives, John does not emerge from the tunnel.  The next day, he wakes up and returns home where he discovers no one can see him.  Is he dead?  Is he now one of the shadow people?  Will the the evil desire to kidnap children to the darkness consume his afterlife?

THE FINISHER:

Fleshing out a great idea and delving deep into the artistic and symbolic potential of a narrative is certainly the hardest part of storytelling.  Laying out an innovative concept, telling the story you want to tell, and giving the audience something to think and talk about is arguably the ultimate goal of any good storyteller.  Nowhere is this potential mostly wasted than in the world of independent horror.  Please don’t get me wrong – there are plenty of great indie horror movies, but the ones that tried to be something provocative, deep, and different but failed outnumbers the good ones over and over.  While being independent affords more artistic freedom than corporate Hollywood franchise machines, constraints still exist.  As I have said before, it’s about the time and the money.  

Be Afraid has an interesting idea at its core that is chilling – that the overly protective nature of modern parenting spells doom for children.  With more time, a bigger budget maybe, and sorry to say better actors this idea may have been driven home more satisfactorily.  The movie suffers from loose ends (the nightmares and the monsters' purpose go unexplained), uninteresting and underdeveloped characters (Ben is a dropout and a loser but we really don’t know why), a barely laid out motivation for the Sheriff’s betrayal (was he sacrificing the children to the creatures?), and low level stakes (Nathan is missing for literally 20 minutes before everyone freaks out).  A better watch is 2013’s Dark Skies which explored the same parent-terror territory with scarier though mixed results.  Poorly lit and rarely scary, Be Afraid is best left as background distraction and will definitely bog down your Halloween movie marathon.   

TWICE DEAD (1988)

THE CARD:

Tom Breznahan, Jill Whitlow, Jonathan Chapin, Sam Melville, Brooke Bundy, Christopher Burgard, that Roger Corman touch, evil motorcycles, and Todd “Obvious Diff’rent Strokes Reference Here” Bridges. 

More details here.

WARNING: SPOILERS BELOW




THE ANGLE:

It’s the 1930s, and actor Tyler Walker goes ape shit when his wife Myrna takes up with another lover.  One night in his rotting Los Angeles mansion, he’s holed up in his room dancing with a mannequin mock-up of Myrna that he stabs repeatedly. 

Ever dance with a dummy in the pale moon light?

But just as the cop break in to cart him away, he hangs himself.

"Still easier than working for Louis B. Mayer!"

Decades later, Myrna’s last living relatives, the Cates family – Dad (Melville), Mom (Bundy), son Scott (Breznahan), and daughter and aspiring artist Robin (Whitlow), inherit the now-dilapidated mansion.   Strapped for cash and on the verge of bankruptcy, the desperate family reluctantly moves into the house with the hopes of renovating and reselling it for quick cash.  Unfortunately, they discover that a skeevy band of no-good punks are squatting on the property.

Flunked from the Class of 1984

At gunpoint, they chase away the gang who vow revenge, specifically on teens Scott and Robin, and start with greasing the family cat.  

"I bet Garfield didn't have to put up with this shit!  MEEOOORRRRWWW!"

To add to their troubles, some spooky shit goes down in the form of strange noises, voices in the dark, and an eerie figure that appears to Scott in the night, obviously Walker’s ghost.  

"Dey be has-been spooks heah!"

The street gang, led by the highly unstable Silk (Burgard), prey on Robin whom we learn is a doppelganger for Myrna, prompting Walker’s spirit to become more active.  They torment the family and at one point try to kidnap Robin disguised in Halloween masks.

Ah, my old nemesis Dr. Rapey Skull.

While their parents are out of town, the kids hatch a plan to lure the gang back into the house (genius!) where they promptly Scooby Doo the shit out of them by staging phony death scenes.

Scared shitless and filled with rage, the gang return to the Cates' days later, this time with murderous intent only to find that Walker's ghost has leveled up to the point where they and the Cates kids may find that history has a way of repeating itself.

THE FINISHER:

Roger Corman, without doubt the King of B-Movies, has had an extraordinary impact on the bad movie world in addition to cinema in general.  While his output has been generally relegated to the seemier aisles of the video stores of long ago or ad-riddled free streaming movie sites of today, he does lay a golden egg once in a while.  So phrases like “refreshingly competent” and “surprisingly entertaining” typically do not show up in your average Corman movie review.  But both aptly can be applied to Twice Dead, a movie that by all indications looks like it sucks, sounds like it sucks, and should suck but doesn’t suck.  Though low on scares, this teen-driven haunted house caper succeeds due to fine pacing, very affable leads who oddly enough act more like a couple than brother and sister (!), dopey but fun gore, and some pretty cool cinematography.  

This direct-to-video effort aims a little higher than most, but fails to play out key elements like what made Walker so crazy?  Why was Silk’s gang so obsessed with getting even with the Cates?  What enabled Walker to become such a powerful ghost?  I mean, he kills a guy with a motorcycle and electrocutes a fornicating couple with a telephone wire.  Let’s see Slimer try that shit!  But such as it is with most movies like this from this era the lack of satisfying narrative closure boils down to time and money.  Sure no one expects to find subtext and depth in a 90-minute throwaway flick, but it’s always a treat when it does happen, and Twice Dead certainly had the potential.  

TRICK OR TREATS (1982)

THE CARD:

Jackelyn Giroux, Peter Jason, Chris Graver, Carrie Snodgress, Steve Railsback, lots of porny looking extras, David “I’m in My Dad’s Drunk Cameo Career Phase” Carradine and the sad absence of Sam or Sammi Curr.  

More details here.

WARNING: SPOILERS BELOW!


THE ANGLE:

It’s Halloween!  And you know what that means: relatives escape their respective nuthouses and come home to chop up other relatives.  Ah, October in America.

Not to be confused with any other better set-on-Halloween horror movie.

Malcolm O’Keefe (played by immortal That Guy Peter Jason) is railroaded by scheming floozy wife Joan (Snodgress) and committed to the loony bin so she can get her hump on with Richard (Carradine).  

Good thing this costume comes with a cane because Drunky Carradine's going to tip over.

He leaves behind his precocious son Chris (played to the tubby hilt by the director’s son) who’s obsessed with practical jokes and magic tricks.  He also has an extensive collection of vintage circus posters, you know, like all kids did in the 80s. 

Meanwhile, Malcolm stews in the funny farm and plots his revenge against his two-timing Kwai-Chang-Caine obsessed wife.  We’re never sure if Malcolm is a true victim of a plot, actually crazy, or a whacked, cracked, and immensely talented character actor.

"Man oh man, I'm just waiting for that Carpenter callback!"

This particular Halloween night, Joan and Richard are off to some party and leave Chris in the care of professional babysitter Linda (Giroux), who’s also a struggling actress afraid of losing her day job.

"Mess with me, kid, and I'll take you back to the Nostromo with me!"

Over the course of the evening, Poor Linda falls prey to Chris’ stupid pranks including:

Impersonating far superior actor Tor Johnson.

Also impersonating a lardy Criss Angel.

Eventually Malcolm busts out of the mental hospital and heads home to make wifeyburgers out of Joan using an ingenious plan that references something millennials won't get. 

Deception from the Maxwell Q. Klinger School of Surreptitious Stealth.

Linda meanwhile has to contend with greedy trick-or-treaters, her bonehead boyfriend Brett (Railsback), and the chub's relentless hijinks.  But the final showdown is within sight when Malcolm comes home to rip everyone to shreds.

"Gonna need something sharper for Fat Boy."

So Linda and Chris team-up Home Alone style and defeat Malcolm's murderous intent. But unfortunately Linda didn't account for the old like father, like son adage.  

"Cool, these can be used for something other than cake!"

So sure a sequel is set up for a series that never happened, but to be honest I just came for the 80s’ Halloween decorations:

THE FINISHER:

This spoof of Halloween-set horror movies was directed by prolific director and cinematographer Gary Graver, who’s got an arms-long list of credits from B-movies to pornos to working with Orson Welles.  And while his heart seems to be in the right place, the abjectly low budget quality, rank amateur acting, and lack of humor or tension in Trick or Treats makes it a serious chore to enjoy.  A few familiar faces appear including Carradine, Railsback (who literally phones-in his role), and Snodgress, a veteran of more serious film and TV, I guess.  Other cameos include exploitation actress Jillian Kesner (of Firecracker fame, another humdinger of a bad movie), B-movie royalty and one-time Wimpy Paul Bartel as a dirty bum, and Twin Peaks’ Log Lady Catherine E. Coulson as a doofy nurse.  Lead Giroux is obviously playing someone at least ten years her junior, but she’s generally likable but unfortunately wasted.  But the standout is Peter ‘effing Jason (48 Hrs., They Live, Blue Streak) who plays Malcolm with wild, dorky, and insane abandon.  

Unfortunately, I cannot recommend Trick or Treats, which goddamn it, should have been titled Tricks or Treat since the kid plays multiple tricks and treats rarely materialize.  I cannot recommend it for your #31DaysOfHalloween or Halloween night marathon because of its deathly slow pace, lack of laughs, and its inability to emerge as either a funny horror satire or kiddy scare flick.  I have to note, though that there is an interesting scene where Linda answers the door to trick-or-treaters and it’s two boys barely made up as ghouls who ask for candy.  Linda gives them treats but one of the kids complains that he only got a piece a paper and no candy, an obvious flub, and then the other kid slaps his shoulder clearly indicating that he messed up.  Hearty laughs are exchanged and Giroux is able to save the scene.  It’s not much, but it’s a small genuine moment in a cheap, obviously rushed movie that I’m glad Graver left it in.  So if you have to be one of those guys (like me) who needs to be a horror-movie-set-on-actual-Halloween completist, then please by all means watch this movie. 

Speaking of Welles, he appears in the credits as a “Magic Consultant”, which I’m sure he earned over a few dozen chili dogs with the director at Pink’s.  RIP, my chunky brother.

ROCKTOBER BLOOD (1984)

THE CARD:

Tray Loren, Donna Scoggins, Cana Cockrell, Nigel Benjamin, and Every painters’ hat-wearing metal-smoking cheeseball you avoided in high school.

Also, it’s apparently directed by “The Benjamin’s”. 

Watch the trailer here.  

Watch the entire movie for free here.

THE ANGLE:

Rocktober Blood is the hottest rock ‘n roll sensation since Sad Iron and lead singer Billy Eye (Loren) is going to shriek his angst-fueled tunes until your great grandma spontaneously gives birth.   

Pretty much this.

Lynn Starling (Scoggins) is the band’s scorching back-up singer who worships cocky horndog Billy but yearns for the spotlight.  But Billy has nothing but contempt for the ambitious songbird.

"Eyes to see you."

So after a late-night recording session, Billy suddenly goes ape shit and starts offing members of the band and members of the creative force that spawned it.  Like these guys.

Looks like the mean pinball played him.

Iron Maiden, literally.

We are told that Billy was killed after massacring 25 folks which conveniently happened off-screen.  No one knows what set precipitated his blood-soaked rampage.  Perhaps he actually heard his own music? 

Two years later, Lynn is the lead singer of her own band having gained infamy as the sole survivor of Billy's implied murderous madness.  Despite her rising stardom, she is still tormented by bad memories and trauma.  She begins to hallucinate Billy's return at a concert which is highlighted by a hopping goof in a ghoul mask.

Nothing's more metal than a break-dancing dork in a Parties 'R Us mask.

After being chased around by said ghoul, Lynn retreats to her home in the country where she does continues to be followed, harassed, and prank-called by someone claiming to be Billy.  She can't even do aerobics in peace!

"The call is coming from inside your leg warmers!"

Shit gets real when her super-fit friends start dying one-by-one in her tastefully decorated spa.

"J'accuse-i!"

Despite the bloodshed, no one believes Lynn and eventually she's talked back into going through with her concert tour.  Just before the show, she's kidnapped by Billy who takes the stage and begins his own very farewell show by stabbing on-stage dancers and shaking his hips while poorly choreographed metal capering ensues.

"Nigel Tufnel's gonna be so jealous!"

Lynn struggles to fight back against Billy while belting out her screechy tunes while groupies and bass players lie impaled around her.  And as the battle ensues onstage for all the world to see, we finally discover the secret of Billy Eyes' seeming resurrection, a syndrome that plagued every narrative form in the 80s: 

 The Evil Twin.

THE FINISHER:

Rocktober Blood is a fairly heinous assault on your 80s slasher senses, and I don't mean in a heinous-is-good kind of way.  One of several metal maniac horror flicks that (probably) tried to profit off the heavy metal/Satanism paranoia of the time, the movie aims for somewhere between the Slipknot/GWAR grotesqueness of Neon Maniacs and the very watchable antics of Gene Simmons and Ozzy Osbourne in Trick Or Treat.  Instead, this very low budget and poorly lit flick struggles to stay within the company of the fascinatingly weird oeuvre of Jon Mikl Thor and the putrid no-budget wallowing of Hard Rock Zombies.  Lead Tray Loren as the immensely punchable Billy Eyes succeeds in douchey exaltation as the other mumbling actors try their best to remember they're still in a movie.  Basically, it's as if someone was stalking the cast of Heavy Metal Parking Lot.  The music is somewhat infectious and not completely horrible, especially Lynn's signature tune "Rainbow Eyes".  But it's been like 20 minutes since I finished the movie and that earworm appears to have dried up.  Unfortunately, the heavy metal massacre genre also appears to have dissipated, much like studded leather pants swaying on a clothesline in the heavy metal rest home of our bad movie memory.

IT’S A TREMENDOUS LIFE

As my X-mas gift to you, I will tell you all the juicy details behind the true story of what could have been the greatest holiday picture of all time: IT’S A TREMENDOUS LIFE.

So sit back, pour yourself a hot cup of cocoa, put on your El T jammies, and listen to the tragic tale that hindered my early career in Hollywood.

Brooklyn, 1945.  I was defending my the World Tag Team Championship with my partner Angel Perdido against the hefty Germanic tough man Gunter Gallahad and the foppish Gentleman Monty Armbruster.  Unbeknownst to me, the famous Hollywood director Frank Capra was in attendance scouting my every move for a role in one of his pictures. At the time, I had been in negotiations for starring roles with other directors such as Orson Welles, Alfred Hitchcock, John Ford, and toddler Martin Scorcese. All these talks were nothing but and ultimately led nowhere.  The search for the perfect Tremendo role seemed elusive.

The right script turned out to be Capra had just completed, an expansive fantasy drama set during X-mas in upstate New York, the hub of classically refined Americana.  And nothing screams Americana than burly Mexican wrestlers, right?

You're goddamn right.

After the match in Brooklyn, Capra met me backstage as I was wiping the blood from my face, neck, and chest and showed me this synopsis:

"George Hailey has spent his entire life in Deadford Springs where he has sacrificed a career of travel and study to help taxi drivers, floozies and Italians buy affordable homes. Dragged down by his selfish family, including a senile syphilitic uncle, a mouth-kissing marriage-obsessed mother, and a skirt-chasing jerky Army-hero brother, he becomes trapped in an uneventful small town life.

Constantly in conflict with the Scrooge-like bowling alley baron Mister Pooter, George is unable to prevent the rich old kingpin from taking over the entire town. All that he has is a moldy old building and loan company, which was founded by his dopey stroke-prone father (deceased).

George eventually marries a pretty hot lady named Mary who turns out to be a baby factory and saddles poor ol' George with five rugrats (including one dangerously obsessed with flowers), a drafty old house, and an ass-load of a mortgage. Also there's this guy who torments him with donkey impressions. 

Blink and you'll miss me in SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS.

One Christmas Eve, George's Uncle Willy drops the company's total assets down a street gutter while on his way to spend it on hookers and lollipops. Pooter retrieves the money and hides it from the Haileys hoping to put them out of business.  George realizes that he will be held responsible, be sent to jail, and lose the business. But at least he'd be away from those caroling posey-sniffing brats. In a whiskey-drenched moment of realization he believes luscious Mary will be better off without him and he contemplates suicide.

George wanders to a nearby bridge and prepares to jump. But the prayers of his loved ones result in the appearance of angel El Tremendo who has been sent help George. Unable to convince George that pills is a quicker alternative to drowning, Tremendo tries a different tactic. He shows George what things would have been like if he had never been born.

MIRACLE ON TREMENDOUS STREET, another unmade dud.

In a well-shot, widescreen vision in which the Pooter-controlled town has efficient trains, milk fountains, and lots of Dunkin Donuts, George discovers that his family and friends are pretty much the same, only with sturdier bones and protruding guts. But George ultimately decides suicide is not the answer when he finds Mister Pooter nailing Mary harder than an Amish barn. 

In the end, El Tremendo transports George to a mystical wrestling ring, trains him in the ways of lucha libre complete with Frank Stallone soundtrack, and returns him to Deadford Falls where he chokes out Mister Pooter, gets the money back, and makes baby #6.”

And that was the end of Capra's synopsis.  I was sold. Capra got Jimmy Stewart to play George, but only one scene was shot: the first meeting between El Tremendo and George after his rescue where I try to convince him I'm a otherworldly messenger of a God who still thinks wrestling is real.

The remains of pure f*cking brilliance.

After viewing the dailies, the studio got nervous, and I was kicked off the picture.  Capra re-wrote and re-titled it, hired another guy as the angel, and completely perverted his own initial vision into some nonsense about a spiritual journey to discover the value of familiar love, mapping your own destiny, and the joy of giving to others blah blah blah.

Luckily, the reworked IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE wasn't a big hit and no one has ever heard or seen it multiple times over and over again every frickin' year since. But at least...

... I'll always have my MEAN GIRLS cameo.

DEADLY DREAMS (1988)

THE CARD:

Mitchell Anderson, Juliette Cummins, Xander Berkeley, Thom Babbes, and a bucket of deer face. 

Please Note: It’s not a dream!  It’s not a dream!  It’s SPOILERS!

THE ANGLE:

X-mas Eve, a while back.  In the home of a the wealthy Torme family, young Alex waits for Santa and begs to open his presents as his parents hem and haw over the youngster’s enthusiasm.  But ungodly terror disrupts the holiday fun when a killer in a deer mask breaks into the house and shotguns Mom and Dad.

Rudolph had a very shiny nose...of vengeance.

The boy survives the ordeal and years later, he grows up to be college student Alex (Anderson).  We learn that the killer was a rival of his father who bankrupted his business. Alex still struggles with the memories of that tragic night while pursuing a career as a writer.

They nailed it.

But Alex has to deal with pressure from his older brother Jack (Berkeley) to join the family business while he's tormented nightly by dreams where the deer-masked killer hunts him down and …

Shoots ol' Jack,

Slices his throat,

And, um, other things.

Meanwhile, Alex’s jokester pal Danny (Babbes) fun-lovingly pokes fun at his friend’s tragic past.

Not cool, bro.

Fortunately, a diversion from bad dreams, tortured prose, and shitty friends arrives in the form of Maggie (Cummins), a cute dancer with a dream and a smile who unfortunately has lousy gift-giving skills.

"Um, thanks?"

Things get complicated when Jack accuses Maggie of being a gold-digger and Danny is suspected of secretly drugging Alex to alleviate his nightmares.  All of this creates a rift between the four that intensifies Alex’s psychosis further when he starts to see the killer in real life.

Louis C.K. was right.

But there’s something more sinister at work within the illusions of Alex’s dreams.  Something dirty and nasty and deceitful.  And it’s up to Alex to escape this wide awake nightmare and solve the riddle and learn the true identity of the deer-face killer.

Oh, and get the laundry done.

THE FINISHER:

Deadly Dreams is a nifty thrifty little thriller, an unexpected surprise found in a box of VHS cheapies. Based on the box cover and the title, you would expect the movie to be a Nightmare on Elm Street inspired flick like Bad Dreams, Sleepstalker, Shocker, and Candyman which – don’t panic – all vary in quality from bad to good to great. But this movie is decidedly not another quippy Freddy Krueger exercise.  Despite a TV-movie feel and lead Anderson as the oft-screechy protagonist, the cast delivers solid performances especially the stalwart and always reliable Xander Berkeley (24, Terminator 2, and the classic Magma: Volcanic Disaster) who is as scummy and delightfully repellent as always.  They are all amiably directed and keep a thin plotline afloat until the very end.  Speaking of the end, it’s revealed that Jack was behind Alex’s torment in order to get to his inheritance which is really messed up, that is until the REALLY messed up surprise ending added a twist to the relative torturing another for money routine.  Deadly Dreams is a neat little psychological puzzler that wisely side-steps slasher conventions, delivers some genuine scares, and wraps everything up under ninety minutes.

   
EL T’S HORROR MARATHON ADVICE:

If you’re doing a Halloween marathon, I’d schedule Deadly Dreams early because it’s engaging enough to hold your attendees’ attention and it’s short enough to allow you sneak away and trick-or-treat, snatch candy bags, or get murdered by a disgruntled employee.