Ok, Then Maybe Not

I am feeling oddly fatigued and weary this month, so no French films, gang. Maybe in November? I will be back on June 1st with a monstrously fabulous month of creature features. If you have any suggestions, (other than Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus which I have in my grubby hands), please let me know.

In the meantime, for those of you longtime El Tremendo followers, this piece of video will probably remind you of something I did in a previous endeavor. If doesn't ring a bell, drop me a line.

The Frickin' French

Coming up on Tremendo Time is “Oui-Oui Cinema”, French Films for whatever is left of May. So dust off your beret, polish your pencil mustache, and stock up on Camembert, wine, and pretension because my beloved Frenchies will be placed in the headlock for this month's theme. I’ll be watching pre-WWII classics (possibly my favorite era), selections from the New Wave, French Noir and recent releases.

If you have any suggestions, please let me know.

Coming up in June: Monster Movies! And then War Films in July.

Thanks for reading,

EL TREMENDO

X-MEN ORIGINS: WOLVERINE (2009)

SUPERPOWER GAINED FROM WATCHING MOVIE: The Ability To Get The 2009 Summer Movie Season Rolling, Crashing

THE CARD:

Wolvie Wang Wafting in the Wind; Orson Welles, Sideburn Assassin; Butterblob; Van Wilder the Sarcastic Ninja; Good.He.Ain’t; a Lost Hobbit; a discount Chow Yun Fat; non-yummy bear claws; Huston, we have a problem; the Revenge of the Ginsu Mutant; a McConaughey School Flunky; a One-Man Comic Book Convention; and a buff clawed Danny Kaye who gets some payback.

More details here.

THE ANGLE:

The Canadian wilderness, 1854. Jimmy is a sickly boy struggling to recover from illness while his friend Victor and his father care for him. Dad is then shot by an overly facial-haired intruder who claims to be both Victor’s and Jimmy's real father. Upon seeing his dead father, Jimmy is suddenly possessed by the spirit of Hayden Christensen, screams into the air, and stabs the shooter with claws protruding from his hands. Victor and Jimmy run away from home, discover their animal-like powers, ability to heal fast, and head south to the U.S. There, they engage in every war since the Civil War. As adults, Jimmy (Hugh Jackman) and Victor (Live Schreiber) get into lots of trouble when Victor goes on a mad killing spree in Vietnam and while trying to stop him, Jimmy kills a commanding officer. When they survive a firing squad, the military discovers their amazing powers which attracts the attention of William Stryker (Danny Huston), a shadowy government figure. Stryker recruits them to join an elite covert team of super-powered individuals including teleporting Wraith (Will.I.Am), agile swordsman Wade (Ryan Reynolds), portly and invincible Dukes (Kevin Durand), electro-psychic Bolt (Dominic Monaghan), and acrobatic shooter Agent Zero (Daniel Henney). The team performs all kinds of covert operations in search of a mysterious metal that obsesses Stryker to the point of killing innocents. Jimmy draws the line at murdering civilians and quits, much to Victor and Stryker’s dismay. He finds a new life as a lumberjack and shacks up with Kayla (Lynn Collins), a beautiful schoolteacher with a mystifying power of her own. But someone is killing off Jimmy’s old teammates one by one, and it looks like he’s next on the hit list. He discovers the killer is Victor who then kills Kayla to attract his attention. Distraught. disturbed, and pissed-off as hell, Jimmy (now named Logan) is enlisted by Stryker once again, embarks on a mission of blood-soaked scratchy vengeance, and participates in an operation that will change him and the future of Oscar telecasting forever.

THE FINISHER:

To butcher a famous colloquialism, prequels are about as necessary as a paraplegic in a butt-kicking contest, and never as entertaining as their premise promises. X-Men Origins: Wolverine is everything you would expect from an unnecessary prequel, the “yes, I know” allusions to the referential material, the rare “so that’s why X is so X” exposition, and the always present “you know, I really didn’t need to know that” realizations. For many years, the best part of the comic book Wolverine’s backstory was its arcane mystery and always changing detail. Once it was revealed (recently, I am told), the character lost of some its edginess and power. The same thing kind of happens here, but only resonates if you are passionate fan of the original X-men movies. In the comics, Wolverine was a distempered killer tamed by love, tortured by his past, and motivated by his desire to protect those of his own kind. The movie Wolverine is a much simpler beast, a do-gooder with an animal instinct to kill, but with an unexplained conscience. Consequently, the movie reeks of “eh, that was OK, I guess” and will probably only appeal to either the fiercest Wolverine fans or those that especially appreciate rippled, vein-popping beefcake. The action sequences are mostly OK, except for an eye-popping scene involving a helicopter, two jeeps, a motorcycle, and Jackman’s manicurist that’s probably the highlight of the movie. Director Gavin Hood (Tsotsi, Rendition) is clearly phoning this one in, despite rumored assistance from Superman’s Richard Donner, and his inexperience with big budget blockbusters is certainly showing in the movie’s slow pace and unemotional motivation for the Logan/Victor conflict. Wolverine is pure escapist summer-movie brain-numbing lameness, but fortunately it doesn’t bore you to death, just to mild sleepiness and occasional claw marks.

(NOTE: This review is based on the final print of the film released to the Lithuanian Film Critics Association in conjunction with the Illuminati, Knights Templar, and the Pirtleville, Arizona Jaycees. It was by no means downloaded from some joker with a grudge against Hugh Jackman’s pectorals or a crazy cat lady with a Mac, a Vuze account, and naked pictures of Stan Lee. Nor was it illegally obtained using some kind of backwater internet service such as RapidShare, EasyNews, or America Online. Really.)

SUPERGUY: BEHIND THE CAPE

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GAGAMBOY (2004)

SUPER POWER GAINED FROM WATCHING THIS MOVIE: The Ability To Be Friendly in Your Neighborhood, Become A Wall-Crawler, Sense Like A Spider, And Crap On Copyright.

THE CARD:

The Filipino Peter Parker pimpin' Popsicles; sticky pot humping; pumpkin spooge; more tranny jokes than Jaye Davidson's 12th birthday; a roach sammich; a baffling John Holmes reference; Manila's chinless wonder; super-villainy by Kafka; the Mighty Choc Nut and Wee Wee; and the number one reason Stan Lee will spin in his grave – some day.

More details here.

THE ANGLE:

Irritating nerd Junie (Vhong Navarro) is a hapless ice cream vendor servicing the greater Acmeville area in the Philippines. His chief rival in the Popsicle business and his love for cutie Liani (Aubrey Miles) is the mustached and spiky-haired Dodoy (Jay Manolo). Junie is a chronic nice guy who gives free treats to the poor kids, but he’s also a bumbling idiot who can’t work up the nerve to proclaim his love for the lopsided-boobed Liani. Taking advantage of Junie’s incompetence, Dodoy squeezes into his territory and tempts her with flowers and fine furnishings. Meanwhile, a dump truck of nuclear waste that looks suspiciously like melted Halloween wax is dumped in the slums where a plucky spider and a nasty cockroach become infused with radiation. Junie is at the end of his ropes, out of a job, mourning his parents, and losing his girl. But with radioactive poisoning comes radioactive responsibility as he accidentally swallows the spider and is imbued with spectacular agility, fighting skill, and goop-spurting abilities that don’t involve … uh nevermind. With a renewed sense of confidence, Junie becomes Gagamboy (Spiderboy), protector of Acmeville, its poor, its downtrodden, its cross-dressed. Dodoy has a similar encounter with the radioactive cockroach and after he’s ingested the nasty bug (man, times are tough), he becomes Ipisman, half-man, half-roach, all dork. He leads a merry band of thugs and shakes things up in Acmeville including kidnapping Liani from possibly the most upsetting beauty contest in history. The final stage is set for a confrontation between these two nemeses, and nothing short of a tsunami or the almighty Weng-Weng (a REAL Filipino superhero), will stand in their way.

THE FINISHER:

If you like movies that display the intricate artistry of cinematography and set design, present the heights and depths of emotion through crafted performance, and resound with a visceral statement about the human condition, please by no means continue to read this. Gagamboy is a head-scratching oddity, a slapstick mish-mash of a cheap kung fu flick, marginal superhero action and cross-dressing burlesque. It’s also a radioactive barrel full of cheesy breezy culturally specific wackiness that probably played well in Manila, but not so much at Casa Tremendo. The movie is played for laughs primed with silly mugging at the camera, goofy dancing, and face-palming stupid physical gags. It very much feels like a live action cartoon in the spirit of the old Warner Brothers Looney Tunes, only they forgot to include actual entertainment. I don’t know, maybe it’s the cultural differences between Filipino and Tremendo, but the film’s lame attempts at madcap humor were inane and mostly insufferable. The storyline, when they stick to it and not veer off into some gag or strange tranny reference, is basic good versus evil and the romantic subplot is basic nice guy versus slimy jerk. The CG is fairly OK for a low budget project like this, but pretty much forgettable. Gagamboy is one of those movies you uncover and say to yourself, “Wow, I’ve seen the Turkish Spiderman, now I can see the Filipino Spiderman. Bad Movie Night, here I come!”, but then you actually watch it, hate yourself, and regret ever clicking on that Netflix link or liking bad movies. For a much more enriching experience, stick to the Japanese Spiderman live action show or dust off those old videotapes of the Electric Company.

SPECIAL (2006)

SUPERPOWER GAINED FROM WATCHING MOVIE: The Ability To Ask My Doctor About My Crushing Depression, Heartache, and Mild Gas

THE CARD:

He is Rappaport, the Wonder Geek Twins, Melanie Tillis, Dickhead Harry Dresden, Kenny Blankenship in the flesh, the only Meter Maid in the world who’s not a creepy prick, and Medicating the Superman Delusion.

More details here.

THE ANGLE:

Les (Michael Rappaport) is a lonely parking enforcement stuck in a humdrum life with no real purpose and multiple dead ends. His only friends are two brothers Joey (Josh Peck) and Everett (Robert Baker), a couple of jerky pothead comic book store clerks who share Les’ passion for superheroes. Seeking answers and something to fill the void in his life, Les enrolls in an experimental therapy program for the chronically depressed. Dr. Dobson (Jack Kehler) prescribes him a new drug called “Special”, a revolutionary antidepressant that’s been wildly successful in clinical testing. Les takes the pills and shortly thereafter experiences amazing side effects including the power of flight, teleportation, telepathy, and time travel. The problem is, these abilities exist only in his head. A completely deluded Les then quits his job, puts on a costume with the “Special” logo on his back, and wanders the night fighting crime. He saves his romantic interest Maggie (Alexandra Holden), a local cashier at a market, from an attempted robbery but even this act of bravery hasn’t allowed him to build up the nerve to actually talk to her. Time goes on and his behavior gets more erratic as he tackles people in convenience stores he believes are “thinking” about crimes without actually committing them. This draws the attention of the police, a concerned and guilt-ridden Dr. Dobson, and the evil Exiler brothers Jonas (Paul Blackthorne) and Ted (Ian Bohen) who are corporate owners of the Special drug hoping for a big sale to a pharmaceutical giant and can’t stand the negative publicity Les’ antics are attracting. But despite help from his friends and Maggie, Les continues his heroic battle against super-villainy in his brain and he’s rapidly becoming a liability for the Exilers, an endearment for Maggie, and a life-threatening danger to himself and the color of the sky in his world.

THE FINISHER:

Despite a lackluster ending, Special lives up to its name as a subtle, well-shot, and finely structured low budget comedy about loneliness, desperation, and the inner superhero waiting to burst from within all of us. Don’t expect a dreary sobfest or rollicking laugh-a-minute good time, though. The movie is simple and moves at its own pace while building up a unique visual style with clever effects depicting Les’ “powers” and does a pretty good job of making us care about his plight through his assured but distressed narration. Rappaport, who in the past was known to overplay flamboyant or aggressive roles, pulls off a sympathetic and touching portrayal of what could have become a loathsome loser in search of a clue and a life. It’s not a simple thing to create a character that we can laugh at, sympathize and perhaps empathize at the same time but Rappaport almost makes it look easy. And because we see what he is seeing when he performs the super-heroics in his head, we are intimately drawn into his world of fabulous four-color illusion. The rest of the cast does a good job to support Les in his pursuit for hallucinatory justice, particularly Blackthorn as the heavy, but it’s Holden as the love interest who brings out the real emotion in Les, particularly when they discover that they both share the same feeling of being an outsider. Just like Les, Special strives to do its best despite its limitations and results in a poignant little movie about the unexpected strength of humanity at its lowest point.

Especially if you’re doped out on goofballs.

THE DEAD ONE (2007)

SUPER POWER GAINED FROM WATCHING THIS MOVIE: The Ability To Remember Ashton Kutcher's Phone Number “Just In Case”

THE CARD:

A trip to Mexi-Crow, Beany Drago, Fez of the Living Dead, anti-Aztec Cheez Whiz, Sister Conchita Bucka-Wow-Wow, A Funny-Accented Mamacita Worth Resurrecting For, Like Water for Voice-Over, Lou Dobbs' Worst Nightmare, and deh be Mexi-spooks heah!

More details here.

THE ANGLE:

Two Mexican illegal aliens traverse the scorching desert to reach America, one an decrepit old man (Billy Drago) and the other a young boy named Diego. The old guy spins a tale about the Aztec legend of the Sixth Sun, a period in the future in which the Aztecs will return and seek vengeance for their genocide at the hands of the Spanish conquistadors. He then informs Diego that he is the “chosen one”, the one who will one day bring the Sixth Sun to pass and destroy those who have desecrated the Aztec empire. He then cuts a symbol into his hand in a weird impromptu blood ceremony. Years later, Diego (Wilmer Valderrama) is all grown-up and living in East L.A. with his cute girlfriend Maria (Angie Cepeda) his Jewish homie Zak (Joel Moore). He is also haunted by mysterious visions, a ghostly voice (Alfonso Arau), and constant rain that seems to follow him around. He and Maria set up a date for Dia De Los Muertos (Day of the Dead), the Mexican festival that honors the dead from October 31st to November 2nd. He dresses up in a mariachi outfit and appropriate skull face paint, but he gets into an accident on the way over to meet Maria. He awakens completely disoriented and walks over to a cemetery to watch his own memorial ceremony in progress and quickly learns he's been dead for a year. Called El Muerto, he is taken in by Aparicio (Tony Plana), the cemetery caretaker who witnesses Diego's powers of resurrecting the dead, near invincibility, super strength, and permanent ghostly white face. As Diego struggles to understand what's happened to him, a dark force is beginning to envelop him and those that he loves. The evil manifests itself as the old man who has returned to force Diego to sacrifice Maria to initiate the first phase of the Sixth Sun. But El Muerto refuses and angers the hoary Aztec gods how are just itching to carve up some Spanish ass for what they did to their spread. So Diego will need to grow an undead pair, ditch the Fez cute/dumb mugging, and kick some vengeful indigenous anti-imperialist ass.

THE FINISHER:

The Dead One is based on a comic book by Javier Hernandez who wrote, drew, reproduced and probably self-distributed it as well. I presume the book captured the imagination of TV star Valderrama for its unique take on a Hispanic superhero with an origin deeply rooted in Mexican cultural tradition. And although the effort is admirable, the movie falls flat mostly due to a modest budget, a weak story, and an underused though stellar supporting cast. The first hour of the film is spent on Valderrama's agonizing over his transformation and coming to grips with his destiny, which unfortunately looks a lot like constipation. Consequently, little time is spent on character development and fleshing out the relationships between the principals, two elements of storytelling that low budget movies can afford. Another opportunity squandered is the underlying social commentary that I'm sure the comic book does a better job at addressing. The background mythology of the Aztecs is pretty much glossed over and presented here instead as generic evil voodoo bullshit. And lastly, the look of El Muerto leaves a lot to be desired. It's just Valderrama in discount Halloween make-up. But what they did do right in lieu of no budget for special effects is cast Billy Drago. That guy shows up as a hideous ghoul. It's hard to hate or be harsh or crap on The Dead One because the goal of creating a believable Hispanic hero isn't quite on any big Hollywood studio to-do list, a fact that's unfathomable to yours truly. Unfortunately, the movie falls victim to a lack of focus, super low budget, and not enough Mexican zombies.

THE PHANTOM (1996)

SUPER POWER GAINED FROM WATCHING THIS MOVIE: The Ability To Wear A Skintight Outfit That Doesn't Expose Your Veiny Junk

THE CARD:

The hilarity of child abuse, Dexter's Dad the white slaver, a slumming Number Six, Prince of the Shitty, the original pre-Xanax Buffy, Catherine Zeta-Cheeseball, a slitherly Shang Tsung, the Phantom peeper, a smoke-free Skull Cave, more That Guys than a Hollywood deli lunch counter, and the hypnotic power of Billy Zane's sucked-in abs.

More details here.

THE ANGLE:

Back in the pre-sexy non-Somali pirate days, a young boy on a ship witnesses his father’s murder by said non-sexy pirates of the Sheng Brotherhood. He escapes their wrath and washes up on the shores of the African land of Bengala where he is raised by the local natives. The tribesmen take the boy’s arrival as a sign from their god, so he is trained to become the land’s protector – The Phantom (aka The Ghost Who Walks), a masked mystery man with amazing abilities and a dedication to preserving his homeland. Flash forward 400 years, the legacy of the Phantom continues with his descendent Kit Walker (Billy Zane) who fights off treasure seekers and kidnappers including tough thug Quill (James Remar). Walker’s compatriots include plucky Asian kid Zak (Chatpong “Jim” Petchlor), token Asian servant whose name I don’t remember, and faithful pet wolf Devil. Quill is searching for ancient artifacts called The Skulls of Togando that will aid his New York crime boss Xander Drax (Treat Williams) attain mystical powers to expand his enterprise across the world. New York anti-socialite Diana Palmer (Kristy Swanson) arrives on the island to investigate the goings-on for her uncle’s newspaper but is kidnapped by Drax’s henchwoman Sala (Catherine Zeta-Jones). Wacky chases involving sea planes, horses, and the Phantom’s crotch ensue but Quill and Sala manage to steal two of the three skulls and return to New York. There, the Phantom battles Drax’s henchmen, discovers Drax’s evil plot, and plays hopscotch with New York City taxicabs. Drax and his peeps return to Bengala to find the final skull with Phantom and Diana hot on their tail. They all encounter the fearsome Sheng Brotherhood led by Kabai Sengh (Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa) and all hell breaks loose on the Pirates of the Caribbean ride where bored men told this tale.

THE FINISHER:

The Phantom was created seventy years ago as a comic strip by Lee Falk, one of the most prolific comic book writers of all time. One could argue that his creation gave birth to the genre of the pulp superhero as he was one of the first to wear tights and a mask. Since then, there have been comic books, a movie serial, and two animated TV shows featuring the adventures of the Ghost Who Walks. And in the wake of 1989’s Batman, Hollywood struggled to ignite a similar movie franchise to appease the superhero-hungry movie audience. What they came up with are mostly bombs including 1991’s The Rocketeer and 1994’s The Shadow, both set in roughly the same time period as 1996’s The Phantom, a confused jumble of a movie that never really satisfies. (As an aside, I really like The Rocketeer). The film tries to reproduce and update the free-spirited adventure of movie serials while presenting an alternative to the dark sets and atmosphere of Batman with campy characters (Williams is hammed to the hilt as Drax), Indiana Jones-esque action, and a super duper keen do-gooder hero. But the characters are never fleshed out and the story is uninteresting. Plus, the origin of the Phantom is not clarified enough to allow you to give a shit about him or his cause. Swanson sleepwalks through her role as the spunky female lead and as Zane’s love interest resulting in below zero chemistry between the two. On the other hand, Zane is a total pro. He approaches everything he does with his own touch and infectious personality, from his heel role in Titanic to his charismatic demon in Demon Knight to the direct-to-DVD crap he’s unfortunately consigned to nowadays. I don’t understand why he’s not a bigger star. He’s a little odd looking (the pencil-thin eyebrows are distracting) but no more strange than say Val Kilmer. It’s possible that Zane was made to be a bad guy, making the transition to hero extraordinarily difficult. The ugly oozes a strange dark magnetism, the kind of shadowy back alley charm that would make you give up your only kid or drop your granny’s drawers. Although he constantly gets work, it’s a shame we don’t see him more in big releases and I wonder if we ever will see him as the big star he really should be. Anyway, The Phantom is a lame attempt to capture the spirit of a time long gone, and instead of wide-eyed youngsters cheering the seats, you have a wide-mouthed dorky blogger yawning on his couch.

COMIC BOOK PAJAMA PARTY (2004)

SUPERPOWER GAINED FROM WATCHING MOVIE: The Ability To Finally Approach That Cute Nerd Girl At Meltdown Comics

THE CARD:

Sexy Geeks in the City.

THE ANGLE:

This documentary film studies a varied group of women who get together in a comic book store, talk about their favorite superheroes and comic titles, and congregate later for an evening of brownies, Twister, and geeky talk while their male mouth-breathing cohorts gasp in wonder at their very presence.

Nerds.

THE FINISHER:

As more superhero and comic book-based movies dominate the world’s multiplexes, TV screens and cultural discourse, the cliché of the comic book nerd as a hump-backed, greasy-haired, socially inept male denizen of a suburban basement rapidly becomes a sorely tired stereotype of the past. In this new age of acceptance, we now have hump-backed, greasy-haired, socially inept female denizens of suburban basements. Naw, just joshing. They live on the ground floor. No, really – contrary to the belief of certain Tremendo fans out there (you know who you are) – more women than ever are into comic books, to say nothing of science fiction, horror, animation, and other geeky pursuits. Maybe they’ve always been there and are now just bursting through the acid-free Mylar closet, proudly proclaiming their nerdity and showing off their geek pallor. Well regardless, I’m glad to see them and welcome them with open arms, especially at conventions decked out in Wonder Woman or Vampirella costumes. Ah, my pig-itude is showing. Comic Book Pajama Party is not fetish porn or a San Francisco bookstore theme. It’s a simple look into the lives and interactions of several women who happen to enjoy comic books. The women range in backgrounds, sizes, and tastes but all fundamentally appreciate the comic book medium and as demonstrated by their enthusiasm, love it. In their geeky sleepover, they cover topics from the fixation of the female form in horror and superhero books to the best Sailor Moon character to the impact of comics in their own lives and loves. The conversations are by no means groundbreaking or intrinsically revealing, but they do demonstrate how geek knows no gender boundaries. Hell, even the blatantly sexist crap has a few female fans. The doc was shot on a very low budget and the main problems with the film have to do with its very amateurish feel and poor sound editing. But it’s been five years since the release of Comic Book Pajama Party and the number of women and girls into comics and all manner of geekery has expanded exponentially. Don’t believe me? Just visit our expert friends at PinkRayGun.com. This one-stop shop for comic book, movie, TV reviews, interviews, opinion, features, and online comics is created, written, and operated by some of the most talented geeky ladies on the web today. (An d a few token dudes for geeky measure). It really is a cool site and is Tremendo-Approved.

To my pals at PinkRayGun, consider yourself plugged.

MERCURY MAN (2006)

SUPERPOWER GAINED FROM WATCHING MOVIE: The Ability To Jab With My Thighs.

THE CARD:

Lucha-Spidey, the Thai Michelle Yee-oww!, Osama Bin Mopey, Triumph of the Whitey Bilkers, evil Americans and their lust for cheap trinkets, the frostiest hotty since my third wife, the kung fu chick was a dude, dubbing by my drunk college roommates, and one night in Bangkok and the world’s your Marvel comic rip-off.

More details here.

THE ANGLE:

A little boy in Cambodia (let’s call him ‘Chuckles’ – sorry, didn’t get the name) has amazing psychic powers which he uses for street cons and to manipulate the minds of his lessers. One day, a gang of thugs kidnaps Chuckles and whisks him away to a lighthouse fortress in Thailand. Meanwhile, Chan (Wasan Khantaau) is a strong-willed but careless firefighter trying to be a hero and helping his fellow man by not appearing in a charity calendar. He is a super-fighter with remarkable martial arts skills but he thinks with his heart before his head which lands him in hot water with management. So a team of thuggish ninjas, who are probably aligned with the kidnappers, infiltrate a prison, incite a riot, start a fire, and release terrorist Osama Ali (Arnon Saisangchan), their boss and spiritual leader. Chan and his crew are dispatched and he arrives just in time to delay the breakout but is stabbed with an amulet which melts into this body and merges with his blood. The baddies make their escape long enough to tell Osama’s backstory which details the origin of his animosity towards America and its allies. Cue Bush montage, then follow with long, awkwardly worded speeches ill-suited for a comic book movie about being Muslim, killing kids, and making sacrifices. Squirm at will. Bad guys arrive at their lair where Chuckles is hooked up to a machine for some unknown purpose. Reuniting with his bad ass henchwoman Arena (Metinee Kingpayome), Osama lays out his plan for a devastating assault on American interests but needs the boy, another amulet, and the power flowing in Chan’s blood. With the help of amulet guardian Purima (Jinvipa Kheawkunya), Chan recuperates while his kung-fu tranny sister Grace (Parinya Jaroenphonand) and his doting Mom struggle to understand what's going on. The amulet has granted him startling agility, the ability to channel heat, and the power to control energy. He becomes the masked hero Mercury Man and makes a name for himself stopping crime and saving people from disaster. He and Purima make pursuing Osama their mission and nothing looks to stop them. But Osama’s minions are on to Mercury Man and have discovered his weakness. And Osama will get his revenge which, like the real Osama, will somehow involve perverting his faith, talking tough into an Eighties VHS camera, and wearing chanklas.

THE FINISHER:

The creative forces behind this Thai superhero movie also produced the awesome Ong-Bak, a martial arts film starring the astounding Tony Jaa. And it's the fight choreography and stuntwork that make Mercury Man, which I happened to stumble across, worth watching. But the superhero stuff? Not so much. Although you’ll find plenty of Spiderman references (even MM’s costume – a mix of Venom and Rayo de Jalisco), the movie looks and feels more like a slightly above average kung-fu flick. The first half of the film is muddled in an over-complicated plot, the psychic kid storyline is lost somewhere in the middle only to tagged on at the end, and the whole holy war spiel comes off as contrived, slapped-together, and silly. But this is a movie about a guy whose powers are derived from jewelry so you shouldn’t expect a biting political satire. There’s a hilarious scene where Arena, the henchwoman, explains Osama’s motives using religious, political, and cultural references almost legitimately. Mercury Man, upon hearing this, says, “I don’t understand” and then tilts his head like a befuddled puppy dog. But when Arena explains the mystical hoo-ha, magical stuff, and the power of the amulet, MM is ready for action! Well, maybe I should blame the hysterical dubbing, but nonethelessm the script is unintentionally hilarious. But as the story clods along, the awkwardness is broken up by pretty good fighting scenes, but nothing even close to extraordinary as Ong-bak. As a martial arts superhero Mercury Man gets a degree; but as a breakthrough epic, Mercury Man can’t get past the freezing point.