Friday, June 19, 2009


WHAT THE MONSTERS TAUGHT ME: When stomping the city, watch out for those toy Army men. They hurt!


Our hero the deformed Mozzarella-stuffed Mushroom; They Came From Planet Drew Barrymore; special effects by Alka-Selzter; a cheapo Green Lantern Corps. rip-off; Sasquatch, the sensitive outlaw biker; Goofy Beret Squad – in color!; and Stripe the atomic steroid-fueled gremlin with elephantitis.

More details here.


On the wicked cold planet of Proyas (*SNICKER*), the plastic-skulled Lord Doom commands his minions which consists of dwarf henchman Chamberlain (Jon Simanton) to seek a warm planet to escape the deathly draftiness of his condemned homeworld. They decide on Earth and its abundance of wool sweaters and send the man-eating beast Kraa! to clear the way for colonization. But the Planet Patrol, a well-groomed group of teenage space cops complete with snazzy haircuts, way too revealing spandex, and a spaceship that looks like the MST3K logo stands in their way. P.P. is comprised of the latino smirk Captain Ruric (Robert Garcia), the sassy engineer Lt. Able (Candida Tolentino), the dopey surfer Garth (Anthony Furlong) and the useless psychic chicky Curtis (Alison Lohman). But the P.P. cannot warn Earth in time to save them from Kraa! as it lands in an ocean/someone’s swimming pool and starts tearing up the city/some kid’s Fisher-Price playset. Doom conveniently shuts down their spaceship and they are unable to land on Earth and fight the beast, thus saving $17 in torn spandex costs. So they send nearby P.P. agent Mogyar, a cross between a talking booger and a midget Smog Monster, to enlist the aid of tubby biker Bobbie (R.L. McMurry) and feisty café owner Alma (Teal Marchande) to help him defeat the devastating toy destroying horror of Kraa!. So P.P. pretty much disappears for the rest of the movie, coming back later in the finale, and the movie switches to the kooky antics of Bobbie, Alma, and our new mushroomy space pal. Mogyar, who sports a hilarious Italian accent (because you see he thought the whole planet spoke Italian – har), is being pursued by mysterious agents and soldiers. Apparently the government is oblivious to the destruction and havoc in its midst and only wants to capture Mogyar because he’s an illegal alien, which is ludicrous because this would never happen in real life. Ahem. Anyway, Mogyar and his hapless pals are in a race against time to stop Kraa! from the leveling city buildings shaped like shoe boxes, antique Matchbox cars, and precious lumberjack gas station mascots. Shudder!


When the Bobbie character is first introduced in this movie, he stops into Alma’s diner for a cup of tea but is refused service because the place is closing. Why are diners always closing in movies? Can’t anyone read or flip a sign? Really, go back and look at some of the more famous diner scenes in movies – like in Diner – and there’s always scene where the counter-wiping proprietor says, “Sorry, I’m closing up”. Eh. Maybe not in Diner, but probably in most movies with diner scenes in them. Maybe I should do a month of movies with diner scenes in them. What do you think? This is the sole thought that lingered for long minutes following my view of Kraa! The Sea Monster. This is your typical Full Moon/Charles Band cheapo that is so lazily produced that that some shots still had the time codes on them! Really! The movie looks like it was produced in the Halloween costume aisle at K-Mart where it also found its cast working the graveyard shift. Obviously wanting to take advantage of the Godzilla American remake heat of its time, Kraa! does have a positive side as the crew looks like it was having a good time making this thing, the makers display a seemingly genuine affection for the genre, and the movie has its fair share of Godzilla and other giant monster movie references (psychic girl, the beam weapon that kills Kraa!, and some parts of the music). And for what it’s worth, the monster costume wasn’t half bad either, although it spent very little time as a sea monster and mostly just walked around and bumped into things. Everything else is pretty much what you'd expect from Full Moon: bad dialogue, horrible effects, and stiff acting. Kraa! The Sea Monster is admirable only for its obvious fondness of rubber-suited mayhem and even takes a visual jab at the 1998 Godzilla remake atrocity, but it’s far too cheap-looking and silly to be fully enjoyable.

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